You can blame it all on me.

So.. we haven’t been around lately. A whole three months. I think I can speak for my co-blogger when I say that we’re sorry. A lot of things are different now, so the future of this dark little place? I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t up in the air. But, who can ever tell? Maybe we’ll be back. Or maybe just one of us. Keep us in your RSS reader or bookmarks, maybe it’ll show up again and it’ll be like the 20 dollars you stashed in a pair of jeans you haven’t worn in 6 months. Till next time…

Pidgin Tolstoy and articulate Henry James.

“The women in my life have all been librarians, English teachers, or booksellers. If they couldn’t speak pidgin Tolstoy, articulate Henry James, or give me directions to Usher and Ox, it was no go. I have always longed for education, and pillow talk’s the best.”

-Ray Bradbury in his foreword to A Passion for Books (1999) by Harold Rabinowitz and Rob Kaplan.

The city that never sleeps.

Sleep is overrated, if you ask me. Sleep when you’re dead.

This shining pool.

How Lovely Wetness Makes The Flesh

by Tennessee Williams

How lovely wetness makes the flesh

our bodies will declare

when we step from this shining pool

into the shining air

How lovely passion makes the lips

our kiss will testify

when we step from this brilliant earth

into the brilliant sky

from the June 2009 issue of Harper’s, which adds that the poem “was written on the stationery  ofthe Hotel Woodstock, the poem dates from 1939, when Williams visited New York City to attend the World’s Fair.

at night alone, i marry the bed

The Ballad of The Lonely Masturbator

by Anne Sexton

The end of the affair is always death.

She’s my workshop. Slippery eye,

out of the tribe of myself my breath

finds you gone. I horrify

those who stand by. I am fed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Finger to finger, now she’s mine.

She’s not too far. She’s my encounter.

I beat her like a bell. I recline

in the bower where you used to mount her.

You borrowed me on the flowered spread.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Take for instance this night, my love,

that every single couple puts together

with a joint overturning, beneath, above,

the abundant two on sponge and feather,

kneeling and pushing, head to head.

At night alone, I marry the bed.

I break out of my body this way,

an annoying miracle. Could I

put the dream market on display?

I am spread out. I crucify.

My little plum is what you said.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Then my black-eyed rival came.

The lady of water, rising on the beach,

a piano at her fingertips, shame

on her lips and a flute’s speech.

And I was the knock-kneed broom instead.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

She took you the way a woman takes

a bargain dress off the rack

and I broke the way a stone breaks.

I give back your books and fishing tack.

Today’s paper says that you are wed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

The boys and girls are one tonight.

They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.

They take off shoes. They turn off the light.

The glimmering creatures are full of lies.

They are eating each other. They are overfed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

It’s about nothing.

We’ve written about the lovely Ashlynn Brooke here before but I’m sad to have just discovered that she’s a staple in the ridiculous porn parodies that’ve been out there. I guess I’m not really against the idea of pornographic parodies of normal creative properties, but they’re not even remotely funny, it seems. The latest one she’s in is literally just called Seinfeld – An XXX Parody.

A porno about nothing? Yeah, I hope so, but I’m not expecting any deepness from this other than, well, how deep the cocks go? Ehhh. But the Seinfeld parody joins a long roster of others, sending up The Office, 30 Rock, and even mediocre fare such as Scrubs.

Ashlynn Brooke as the Jane Krakowski character from 30 Rock in the porn parody.

And you have to admit that the porn parody version of The Office looks interesting, right? And talk about an all star cast.

Oh, Ashlynn Brooke, I want to tell you that you’re so much better than appearing in shit like this, but truth be told, if presented with the opportunity, I’d watch this shit. Fuck yeah, I’d watch it.

Fornication under the consent of the King.

Cross posted here.

About two years ago a poll was conducted by psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss from the University of Texas to see all of the reasons why people have sex. This is a short sampling of the 237 compiled reasons from their list, parts of which have been printed before in Harper’s and elsewhere.

I was bored.

I was married, and you’re supposed to.

It became a habit.

It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.

I wanted to stop my partner’s nagging.

I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t.

I wanted to have more sex than my friends.

Someone dared me.

I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

I wanted to defy my parents.

I was slumming.

I needed another notch on my belt.

It was an initiation rite.

The person was famous.

The person was a good dancer.

The person had beautiful eyes.

The person had a great sense of humor.

The person was intelligent.

The person bought me an expensive dinner.

I wanted a job.

Someone offered me money.

I’m addicted to sex.

My hormones were out of control.

I was tired of being a virgin.

I wanted to feel closer to God.

I wanted to boost my self-esteem.

I was trying to reaffirm my sexual orientation.

It’s considered taboo.

I wanted to get rid of aggression.

I was physically forced.

I was verbally coerced.

I was seduced.

I wanted to humiliate the person.

I wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease.

I was feeling lonely.

I wanted the person to love me.

I thought it would help me trap a new partner.

I was ovulating.

I wanted to get rid of a headache.

I thought it would help me fall asleep.

I wanted to keep warm.

I wanted to burn calories.

I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.

It’s my genetic imperative.

I was curious about my sexual abilities.

The person smelled nice.

I realized I was in love.

I wanted to change the topic of conversation.

Mother’s Milk.

In case you were wondering,  yes, your friends and lovers here at Carnal Knowledge are the kind of people to bring you dirty mommy-flavored clips on Mother’s Day. We are just that sick.

from here.

Actually, the first two I want to share with you are less about improper relations between mothers and their offspring, but more about the perils of bad stepfathers:

The first is “Bill, wake up, I’m not mom,” which is… hilarious. This is the kind of stupid you want in almost all porn clips: Family is watching a scary movie on the couch and the mom decides to go to sleep, leaving her daughter and the drunken step father to watch the rest of it. The stepfather passes out and starts humping and touching the girl in his sleep. The girl assumes that he thinks he’s having sex with the mom, but seemingly enjoys it, and they continue. It’s ludicrous! But wonderful.

Oh, and the framing device is that the girl is writing about it in her diary. “Dear diary, I can’t believe what happened to me last night,” she starts the video off with. Ha ha! Excellent!

You can’t tell, but she’s so upset with him.

And then there’s the equally stupid and white trash-y “Wanna Fuck My Daughter?” With a title like that, how can you refuse such a video? In it, a girl comes home late and sneaks in, afraid her mother will catch her, especially when she has to bring a drunk friend of hers home. Thankfully, the mom will never notice since she’s fucking her boyfriend. So, the two girls come in, go to the daughter’s bedroom and pass out. That is, until they’re woken up by the mom who’s boyfriend took a viagra and is just too hard. She needs help taming that great big cock.

God, listen to me. I should start writing porn summaries professionally!

But that’s not to say that step dads are always bad or the only ones who are bad. Sometimes you can have a very naughty step mom as well…

Or there’s also a really good mom, you know, the kind that teaches her daughter all about lesbian sex!

Or the kind that dances around naked for her kids whenever their friends are over!

Or the kind who wakes up their son in the middle of the night to molest him, but in a sexy way!

Or a mother who shares.

Or the kind who tries to push their (step) daughter to be the best that she can, and then has sex with her.

Or the… well, the whatever the fuck is going on in this video, which I’ve always found hot, but so weird.

Anyway, love your mom, kids. Maybe not love love them. But love them. Or someone else’s mom, sure. They’re called MILFs for a reason, but beyond that, it’s their day so treat them special, okay?

The house always wins.

So, in talking with a friend recently, I decided to take a moment (especially since Luna and I are a little bit behind on our posting and we have missed you guys) out of my not so busy day to state the obvious:

You really can’t judge someone on the porn they like.

Well, of course you can.

But you should really judge them on how their porn affects them. We all know that a majority of porn is very, very misogynist and degrading to women (and sometimes, but obviously much less, to men as well)(to the whole human race, really), but the sad truth, is that so many of us like it still. Horininess and a desire for filth, like the house, always wins. We like being naughty. In fact, how can you respect the prudes out there because, when you really get down to it, if you’re into a sexually healthy and adventurous lifestyle, you’re going to end up doing some pretty wrong shit, right?

But it’s really up to you to decide at what level your shit becomes wrong. And fun. And at what levels your limits demand testing, pushing, blurring, etc.

And if you’re not doing it now, then get out there and start.

Like what you like. If it gets you off, that’s fantastic. Keep it to yourself or share it with the world, it’s totally up to you.

And I’ll give you an example: cheerleaders. What a dorky, ridiculous cliche for men to like. But you know what? If I’m flipping through some videos on any one of the many porn sites that Luna and I traffic sometimes 8 or 9 times a day (“research,” people, it’s all “research!”), and I see a cheerleader video, I’m probably going to click on it.

Granted, it’s a moot point if the person whom you’re judging based on their porn perspectives is into something where people have to be punched in the face or stabbed to get off. That’s probably a little excessive, but hey, maybe you’re into that?

Originally in the above paragraph, I was going to use watersports or scat porn as examples, but again, maybe you’re into that? In fact, I used to date this girl, this really sweet, shy, timid wallflower of a girl, the kind that doesn’t know how pretty she is, and all those wonderful cliches. She was very reserved and cautious in bed, but one day, like a scene from a movie, as we lay there so wonderfully post coital, she asked me if I’d piss in her mouth because it’s been so long since she’d found a guy who’d do that for her. And I don’t know about you, but I love when I’m presented with new character tests to pass or fail.

Alright, that’s enough out of me for now. As you were. Go watch something dirty, okay?

Back to school.

Your thought of the day (for this and everyday):

from here.