Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a very, very special day here at Carnal Knowledge: The birthday of my co-blogger, Luna de Miel!
Now, I’d love to tell you just how many candles to put on her cake, but I’d also like to keep my life too, so, you know, that’s a toss up. But I’ll say that she’s still attractively young and old enough for you to buy her a drink at the bar.
So in honor of her special day, I’m going to give you, the reader, some presents:
Oh, and here’s the older woman and the younger woman who were working on Luna’s surprise birthday party, but then got distracted and started making out in the kitchen. Hey, it happens.
Happy birthday, Mr. President!
I hope you guys all enjoyed today’s videos, but more importantly, I hope you send some birthday wishes to my co-blogger as she gets another year closer to death in this cold, sad, cruel world we all live in. Which may not be too bad as long as there’s cake. And free internet porn.
And I leave you the music video to “Birthday Girl” by The Roots (featuring Patrick Stump), starring none other than Sasha Grey. Somehow it just seemed fitting.
Remember her? I certainly do. Back in the 90s, she and Sarah Michelle Gellar were my biggest actress crushes. There was just a nice little chunk of the box office that those two very talented ladies owned and a much larger part of my heart, too. And, of course, those lusty parts of my brain.
Both women were immensely talented but SMG had RLC has a bit of a disadvantage these days since, while her career seems to sadly be on hiatus, she’ll always go down in history with Buffy The Vampire Slayer(and, for some reason, Freddie Prinze Jr.’s wife. But poor RLC will pretty much only be known for She’s All That, itself a fine 90s teen movie (despite the ludicrous Clark Kent-ian premise that once those glasses go on, we’ll suddenly not be able to see how gorgeous she is, sigh), despite the fact that she’s never stopped appearing in movies or television since then. Well, there is always Josie And The Pussycats too, starring Tara Reid and Rosario Dawson.
Oh, and of course this (which you can’t even pretend you didn’t love):
Freddie Prince Jr. was the male lead of She’s All That, starring alongside side RLC (with both glasses and red hair in the pictures up above, be still my heart), but his future wife SMG also had an interesting little cameo. Oh, and over the years, the two women switched hair colors as well, which just adds to all the fascinating connections here.
But with the lovely Rachael Leigh Cook turning blonde, that brings me to another woman…
Ashlynn Brooke.
Ashlynn Brooke is a woman I’ve discovered only just recently in the world of free online porn clips, and while you may not quite be able to discern it from the pictures above, she reminds me a good deal of RLC with the blonde hair. The resemblance happens more in her clips which you’ll just have to watch and enjoy, but even without the fact that she reminds me of a beautiful Hollywood actress, she has another quality that I desperately need in my porn: That girl next door vibe. I just can’t make it to the ridiculously plastic looking fembots anymore, I tell you. And in addition to Ashlynn Brooke being incredibly cute and tiny (even with her ginormous breasts), she comes off somewhat down to Earth. As she says in one of her videos, she’s just a girl who likes to party and have fun. And that’s something I can get behind.
This is where I first discovered, in a featured clip on fantasti.cc’s main page titled “Ashlynn Brooke 4.” The plot involves two guys with a camera trying to recruit cute college freshman off campus to come back to their place and fuck off camera. Ashlynn plays one of the cute freshman who lost her backpack and could sure use the money. A star is born.
Then I found this clip, from Ashlynn Goes To College 3, which is apparently her big series. The clip is merely “Ashlynn (Brooke) Goes To College 3 Pt. 1,” and while this scene itself is pretty run of the mill ho hum, I include it just so you can see the credits sequence at the start of a porno these days. You have to love that it’s written by a guy named Wayne Hentai and directed by a guy named Andre Madness. Awesome. Ridiculous, yes. But awesome. But kinda makes you worry if you might someday see a porno written/directed by Luna de Miel and Sin Titulo, right?
Our next clip comes from the same feature and is titled “Ashlynn (Brooke) Goes To College 3 Pt. 6.” There’s a brief prologue involving a student making a stinky in class (or something), and then we cut to Ashlynn going to inquire about a job doing data entry for a porn company. The scene is really about the secretary that gives her shit and who then goes and fucks the boss, but
Then we have “Stunning Teen Ashlynn Brooke POV Style 1,” which consists of Ashlynn stripping for, sucking off, and then fucking some guy on a balcony overlooking the city at night. This clip definitely shows off not only her fantastically large breasts but also quite a few of her tattoos which I read on her myspace page that she’s going through the process of removing. Also, I noticed that she drinks Bawls in this clip, (and Cherry Bawls at that) something that I myself have been known to drink on occasion in bold defiance in any attempts to make fun of me about it.
Up next for your view pleasure is “Ashlynn Brooke 5 Pt. 1,” which shows Ashlynn trying to pick up some random guy off the street and take him back to her place to fuck. This is just like one of those bang bus clips, but with the genders reversed, which I kind of like. The clip is so so, and it’s kind of sad that the cameraman can’t even pronounce Ashlynn’s name right. Also this video kind of reminds me in a way of that scene in Boogie Nights where Rollergirl picks up the random guy off the street to fuck her in the back of the limo and then when he reveals that he knows her from high school and then insults her which leads to her and Burt Reynolds beating the shit out of him on the sidewalk. “Dont’ you ever fucking disrespect me!” It’d be kind of awesome of this clip ended that way too.
“Ashlynn Brooke Licking Brandi Belle” is my next clip for you and that title works as a pretty great summary as well. Brandi Belle is a porn star that I just discovered the name of but grew to enjoy the work of long ago (until pornotube broke my heart and removed all of her videos), so I’m sure you’ll see me doing a post on her soon enough. For now you can enjoy watching her seemingly not enjoying Ashlynn Brooke’s tongue at all (I seriously can’t tell if Brandi Belle is trying to stay awake through all of this or if she’s just trying to decide where she is) in this 1 minute clip.
My last selection for you is the eponymous “Ashlynn Brooke” and it’s a very telling title. It’s just her and some guy enjoying each other in a variety of positions (including a foot job). I won’t say too much about it other than it’s hot and just leave you to enjoy it for yourself.
For your viewing pleasure, I present to you a clip of RLC having sex in a cemetary from a ridiculous looking moving called 11:14:
There’s clearly something to be said for safe sex there.
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s been pretty much stuck in direct to video movies since The Grudge, but repeats of Buffy are always on and always great. Rachael Leigh Cook has always been sadly banished to the world of direct to video (or, direct to DVD now), but every once in a while she pops up in an episode of Psych or The Ghost Whisperer or Las Vegas these days. Sigh. Anyways, hope you’ve enjoyed this stroll down memory lane…
A quickie since your girl is tired. While reading through Best Sex Bloggers (a fine digest of some of the best smut writing on the Internet. My only complaint? Way, way, way too much posts about S/M and classes about how to use ropes. But that’s just my thing. I’m just not that into it. ) , I found Pornocracy, a shared blog by a couple who is documenting their sex life online.
One of the names Sin and I talked about naming this blog was Pornocracy, so at first I was peeved, since that would’ve been the perfect name for us. But, I quickly became enamored of this cute, geeky couple and their sex life. And yes honies, they post video! They took video of their first weekend together, here is Part 1 and Part 2. There is some very sweet cuddling towards the end of the second video. Ya’ll know how much I’m into that shit.
We’ve covered some “real” porn in a previous post on porn Cinema Verite and how there is a sense of betrayal, almost when you find out that the “real” videos you were watching were just part of some lame sell your sex tape online scheme. It’s refreshing (and hot) to see real people doing it just because they want you to watch.
Just over a week until Halloween and… well, is it me or is Halloween one of the last untainted holidays? Remember when you were a kid and the excitement of Christmas (or it’s other multi-varied end of the year semi-religouso counterparts) morning was so overwhelming that you just couldn’t fucking stand it? You just had to know what gifts were awaiting you? And then remember when you grew up and all the gifts you got from people were pathetic crap and the whole thing just seemed more and more contrived and commercialized and vapid with each passing year?
Halloween is that rare holiday that does magically transform itself from whatever it meant to you as a kid into something equally exciting for your adult sensibilities. And you know exactly what I’m talking about here.
Women in slutty outfits. Uh huh.
These pictures just scream “Good times!
Oh yeah. Look at that.
Party. Time.
Oh, and Halloween-themed porn too. Definitely that too.
First up: Halloween Films – The Sexy Adventures Of Van Helsing. This title is not even close to accurate. I mean, it’s not hideous. Those sexy adventures include bondage and a little candlewax and then some whipped cream, in case you’re wondering, but no neck biting. I guess I’m okay with that. This one ends on a cliffhanger. Who. Is. At. The. Door!?
Moving on… Next up is “Halloween orgy party.” They may as well have filmed this in a graveyard because this party is almost dead. If they were dressed up like zombies, I’d love it. As it is, it’s a bunch of people wearing Halloween masks doing some lite fucking. Also, one or two of them may be on meth, I just don’t know. But as one of the participants notes, “There’s nothing funnier than fucking a demon and having the Scream dude strokin’ his deck next to you.” Story of my life, bro.
Wow, what a difference a little editing can do for a clip. Here’s the previous clip again, only cut a little better and called “Cumslut Oasis Big Halloween Orgy Bash.” Even the title is more lively, yeah? There’s a little more of the soundtrack blasting in the background and it just looks like this party is a little more fun here. Not too much more fun, but you know, not half dead like the previous iteration.
Then there’s “FOUNDRY CAMS: Happy Halloween Compilation,” which is exactly what it sounds like, minus the part where I’m what you’d call happy. Mostly a long series of images of girls posing in very hot, very slutty Halloween regalia set to what sounds like techno industrial Rob Zombie music. This leaves me a bit on the flaccid side.
Ooh, here we have “Halloween Films – An Erotic Vampire In Paris,” and so far on tonight’s list, this is clearly my favorite. It’s cheesy and ridiculous with real vampires and neck biting and fairly cute lesbians. It’s just a tease being under 2 minutes but if you take a gander at some of the videos I’ve already reviewed in this post, this is mega hot by comparison. Also, it reminds me of Soledad Miranda and one of the films she did with Jess Franco, Vampyros Lesbos. Just pure trash, but with Franco, you know what you’re getting, you know? Someday I plan on writing a long, long post about my love for Miranda, her younger clone Christina Lindberg and a particularly bizarre and brutal period of foreign explotation filmmaking in which they were queens of b-filth cinema.
Come on, lady, even if you’re playing Lady Frankenstein, that’s still no excuse to act more wooden than Keanu Reeves. I’m just sayin’.
“Halloween Films – From Dusk Til Porn.” Seriously. I’m just thankful that there’s an actual company trying to mee whatever the fuck the need is for holiday-themed pornography. I can’t wait to see their Christmas and Arbor Day selection. As for this clip itself, it looks like what the extras on the Underworld films were doing in between takes.
“Historias de Halloween” shows a young woman giving Mr. Ghostface from Scream (yeah, him again) a blowjob. Nothing really of note here, other than… well, as far as survival methods for girls with big tits and no brains go in these horror movies, this beats the hell out of just running upstairs when you should be running out of the house…
And last, but not least, ladies, gentlemen, and various assorted perverts, I leave you with the best of all tonight’s clips: “Halloween Films – Terrors From The Clit 2.” I mean, shit. Just look at that title. Brilliant. Just like all the other clips out there under the “Halloween Films” banner, this one is only 2 minutes long but it actually features Gauge. Wow. It starts with her and a little double penetration and then jacking off the two gents onto her face. She towels off and enjoys a relaxing moment with one of the guys when ALL OF A SUDDEN a killer knife-wielding blow up doll appears and kills them. If you can’t get off to that, then you are obviously some kind of scary monster freak and Halloween is probably the only night in which you can be yourself.
When it comes to sperm, cum, come, ejaculate, semen, orgasm sauce, pineapple-flavored man juice (though I really do hate to exclude the ladies here) and the digestion of that protein-packed glue of life, there’s no one whose opinion I’m more interested in than Sasha Grey’s:
Tonight on Carnal Knowledge we’re going to talk about how…
Some guys have all the luck:
Our first clip is called “Lucky Kid” and that’s exactly what it’s about, an average looking guy in a threesome on a couch with two lovely young women who definitely make him the focus of their attention. I bring this to your attention partly because of how lucky this guy is, but also because of the girls themselves. one has long, curly red hair and the other has short dark hair, both on the petite side. Do you realize what I’m telling you here?
This guy’s fucking t.A.T.u.! Amazing. Of course you remember the faux lesbian Russian pop duo from… not that long ago, according to Wikipedia, which is surprising. Anyways, here’s a video with the same exact title as the previous one, “Lucky Kid,” but it would appear to be a continuation. I’m glad to see the ladies paying a little more attention to each other in this second part.
Some guys have all the pain:
Our next clip is called “Cute Teen Rough Fucked in her Small Ass,” and that sums it up nicely. The guy in this clip is fucking this cute brunette in her ass and she appears to be enjoying it. Loudly. The guy’s pretty lucky to be there, and to be allowed to slip it into her ass, and even though I’m not a huge fan of going to brown town myself, I still find this incredibly hot. If nothing else, this has to be a massive boost to his self esteem, am I right?
“Public park handjob.” The title says it all as we get a voyeuristic video of a man and a woman enjoying a make out session in the grass and then he lays back while she both gives him a hand job and plays lookout.
And then we have “3 guys; one lucky guy.” Again, the title says it all as we watch a guy chilling on the back of a boat while three cute girls suck his cock. This guy, possibly more than any of the other guys in today’s videos combined, does not deserve such wonderful attention. This guy isn’t quite at a Hot Chicks With Douchebags level, but still. I mean, just look at him. Not that I should be quite attacking a man in the porn industry for his looks, as my co-blogger has very aptly pointed out, but still. I really hope this guy won a contest or something.
And to further prove my point about how some guys get all the luck, I’ll go right back to the source: Rod Stewart himself, seen below in one of the most disturbing photos I’ve ever seen in my life, with the gorgeous Britt Ekland (by now I’m hoping you’ve seen The Wicker Man, or at least The Man With The Golden Gun).
My co-blogger and I are still eagerly awaiting some answers on our poll from yesterday so, you know, if you want our blogs and you think we’re sexy, come on, honey, let us know!
Some guys do nothing but complain:
Well, I guess that’s me, huh? Yeah, probably. I’ll let the ladies from t.A.T.u. have the last word (here’s the “uncensored” video):
Sin and I are just wondering who our readers are, if there are any out there. It is totally okay if all you want is smut, we just want to know. No personal info is being collected. Thanks!
With all the girl ogling we do here, you’d think this blog was written by two dudes or a straight guy and a lesbian. In reality, it’s written by a straight guy and a straight girl who appreciates aesthetics. But, tonight, tonight we will honor that thing that has been responsible for so many poor choices, my love and lust and admiration of the man.
We’ll start with a classic, Christian Bale. He is the kind of man who is so perfect, so good looking, so handsome that if you, a mortal, normal girl were to get him alone for an evening to do whatever you wished, I think I’d spend most of my time just staring at his perfect physique, scared I’d break him. This photo of him is beautiful, some may prefer a more stylized version of Christian, but I love this image, he’s comfortable, in what looks like a hotel room, messy hair, enjoying a bourbon and a smoke, perhaps on a day of debauchery (I wouldn’t have it any other way).
But we’re here to talk about smut, right? Hot, filthy smut designed to make your mind wander. Well, let me tell you: finding hot men in porn is not an easy task. While you could theorize that porn is about watching attractive people having sex, that’s hardly ever the case. The men of adult film are usually stone cold average, cast for their endurance, not for their looks. Ron Jeremy, who I’m sure could fuck me 8 ways till Sunday, isn’t exactly an Adonis. I’d complain that the same standard doesn’t really apply to women but the truth is, if a woman really wanted a career getting naked, no matter what she looks like, well, she will be able to find it. Maybe not even getting naked. Maybe just wearing lingerie and eating ice cream (my dream job).
So, imagine my surprise and shock to find a hot man in the most unusual of places, in a blowjob MILF clip. The MILF herself isn’t bad to look at either, but unfortunately she is the spitting image of a very nice woman I used to live with and I found it impossible to watch her because she reminded me so much of my old roommate. Lucky for me, there is some sweet male eye candy.The guy in this clip is genuinely attractive and genuinely hot, not midly attractive in that porn way. And of course, the icing on his sweet, sweet cake: he seems to be genuinely into his busty MILF and I find that adorable.
Finding other hot guys in smut, well, my dear readers, that was not easy. Even looking for hot young couples bought up people that were average at best (and yes, I get to decide what is attractive. This is my blog, fools!). So, in lieu of that, some pictures of attractive men, set to the tune of Hot Chip’s love song “Ready For The Floor” : (Do it do it do it do it now/say it say it say it say it say it say it now)
i can’t hear your voice/do i have a choice?
The smoking, the jeans, the look. Aaron Eckhart is so hot in this photo.
i’m hoping with chance/you might take this dance
Vincent D'Onofrio as Bobbie Goren could interrogate me whenever he wishes.
you’re my number one guy…
one of my favorite ex-lovers is a spitting image of jake.
Well, the weekend’s here and instead of being out getting a little of that Saturday night fever (or special, whatever), I’m here with you talking about porn. I hope you appreciate the things I do for you.
So, thinking about the Elton John song, I decided to try something risky. I plugged into my porn machines and I looked up videos that have “fighting” in them. Is it because, as Bush said, “there’s no sex in your violence?” Well, no. More like a disgusting cocktail of me being bored along with professional curiosity and a dash of apparently the need to punish myself a bit. My results were… interesting.
So tonight I tell you: Saturday night’s alright for fighting (although Carnal Knowledge in no way endorses, suggests, or gets off to violence in any way)(Unless it’s funny)!
First up: Merry Fighting With Her Two Boyfriends. What starts out as some apparently good natured and friendly wrestling and goofing around with a German girl who’s name would seem to be Merry and two of her male friends eventually turns into – what else? – a threesome. I have no idea what’s being said in this clip and I don’t know that I care to find out. Merry’s cute and although tattoos don’t really do it for me, she has a gorgeous body. It could get a lot worse than this.
And then, oh my God, it does: Sexy Farm Girl Fight (round 1). Seriously, there’s quite afew more rounds to this, which just appears to be an excuse to have some girls strip each other in a horse pen and then do some rudimentary wrestling moves on each other and then a little face sitting while commentators hoot and holler rodeo-style. Incredibly ridiculous. But I’d still take it over the WWE any day of the week (including Saturdays)
From there, we go to something called 4-Chick Fight! It’s really just two glistened up chicks rolling around in oil and scissoring. I know it’s every guy’s fantasy to either witness or pay host to this kind of party but take my advice, fellas: That shit is incredibly messy and kind of underwhelming in person.
From there we go to a 3 Girl Nude Pillow Fight. This could not be more accurately titled, let me tell you. Three lovely naked women have a tame little pillow fight and then form an excited make out triumvirate while grooving to some crazy European techno. I wish my Saturday Nights had a little more of this in them.
From there, my searches for “fighting” clips kind of hit a dead end (which was probably for the best). Everything else I came up with was basically some variation on “Two bitches fight for that cock.” Boring. Or “So and so fights to swallow that down.” Also boring (and a bit of over exaggeration, let me tell you). Or these bizarre Japanese clips where it’s some kind of competition split into rounds with judges and commentators and everything, only seemingly each challenger is competing to see who can molest a girl to completion the fastest. Not really boring, just more… uhhh… Yeah. Stuff like that makes me scared as hell of ever going to Japan, you know? Meanwhile clips like Street Fuck Her Not Street Fight Her! make me want to move to Japan right now. But I’ll wait to finish packing my bags until after this post is finished.
Oh, and here’s a clip of two guys performing wrestling moves on each other, nestled in with the other clips I’ve shared with you already. It’s pretty gay in the way that pretty much all wrestling is. Don’t believe me? Go open up your high school yearbook and look at pictures of the wrestling team in action.
So, having hit pretty much a dead end after those clips, I thought, “Eh, what the fuck, I’ll just look for clips that have something Saturday specific to them.” Christ, look at me. I’m stupid.
The best I can offer you from the Saturday specific clips is Saturday Night Jive, a fairly ho hum entry into the low budget/possibly amateur let’s-rent-a-hotel-room-and-make-a-sex-tape-in-it genre. The nicest thing I can say here is… Well, at least with sex tapes, everyone can feel like a star for two – maybe two and a half – minutes.
Other than that, it seems to be universally accepted that Saturday is the day for men to film themselves jacking off. I didn’t know this before, but I sure as hell got the message now, thanks. Take for example: Saturday 15 December 2007 black basque, which I include out of all the other possible entries because it’s so date specific, in case you thought might’ve thought that he just filmed it on a Wednesday and called it a Saturday.
To give you something actually hot to view, I present to you a clip called simply Courtney Simpson and Sativa Rose. It’s about two girls hanging out at work at the end of a day (a Friday, no less, because Friday is such a better day for porn that Saturday) and talking about their plans for that night: parties. They’re both hoping to get fucked later, and one of them, Courtney Simpson, brilliantly suggests, why not just start now? A wonderful idea, ladies. And so they do start right there on the couches in the lounge at work, because all of their coworkers are gone (not really), especially their asshole boss (no, not really either). As they’re beginning, the other young woman, Sativa Rose, remarks that she’s glad he (of all possible coworkers) won’t catch him because he’s a huge dick. And then a few minutes later when he catches them, they could not be more pleased to get him, an old disgusting British man, to join them. The girls are incredibly cute but I still have to call bullshit on this.
Let’s talk about something incredibly seductive for a moment here.
A woman smoking.
Such a contradiction in terms because, honestly, I find smoking to be disgusting. But I’ve got to admit that there’s times when the sight of a beautiful woman taking a drag off of a cigarette is just one of those powerful images that knocks me on my ass. Is it an oral thing? Am I subconsciously substituting a penis between her lips instead of that long thin cancer stick? I don’t know. I doubt it, but I don’t know.
Something about not just a woman smoking but anyone smoking, especially when they’re alone, just says power. It speaks of a small rebellion, even if it’s an inconsequential one. A solitary withdrawal and a strength inside. With no words at all, a long drag can say a deep, quiet fuck you from either the loner or the playful trickster.
With the exception of Mr. Live Fast, Die Young, you’ll notice that the pictures I’ve used here are the classic image of a woman with a cigarette. Just holding it. One arm tucked around themselves, the other dangling the cigarette nonchalantly. Not taking a drag from it. What does that imply? What is the hidden symbolism there? What is that memetic idea that keeps us drawing from that well?
No idea, and again, I don’t want to tear it apart. I’m not sure I want to find it’s hidden meaning. I think I just want to enjoy it and be drawn into it’s sway.
My first video for you today is titled “Smoking Doggy Stylie,” and it’s one of the hottest you’ll ever see. It simply is just a woman laying over a bed, smoking, talking about smoking, and a man behind her, fucking her doggystyle and asking her about her smoking. You never see the man’s face, and you don’t need to. He’d only ruin it because the bewitching young woman absolutely commands your attention for roughly 13 minutes of your life that you’ll gladly sacrifice to her. Hers is dark magic that inveigles you masterfully as she’s bent over her altar performing her rituals. Click on that link only if you want to be captivated.
The next video, entitled “Nice smoking hand job” is far less enticing, but quite possibly could’ve been in it’s original form. Somebody took another video, cut it down to a less than a minute clip, put a Tweet song about smoking over it and completely drained it of it’s magic. The woman is in full swing ice blonde femme fatale mode, almost as much as the dark haired beauty in our first clip. I think the most fascinating aspect of this clip, the thing that makes me desperately want to see it’s original iteration is complete disinterest she seems to hold for the man’s cock that she’s jerking off. Like I said, something about the cigarette, if smoked right, isolates you majestically. It puts you in a place that others are desperate to get to, even if it is completely damaging.
Now, that’s not to say that, like everything, smoking can’t be done wrong, because oh yes, it can:
Seriously, seriously wrong.
“A pink lung is a wasted lung,” an old coworker of mine always used to tell me. He was 22 and couldn’t run without nearly passing out and coughing up green shit the size of a catcher’s mitt. His teeth were bright yellow and his breath smelled like nuclear waste. He started smoking when he was 12, given his first cigarette by his father. His mother smoked when she was pregnant with both him and his sister, he emphatically stated. And besides, “when I die,” he told me, “I want to be sick, not healthy.” I probably should’ve respected his fierce independence and his quite frankly American right to be that spectacularly stupid. But I won’t bullshit you: I didn’t then and I don’t know. “You’re probably going to get your wish in the next few years,” I told him.
All I’m saying is: Ladies, I hope you don’t smoke. Healthy is a good look, even if smoking is so undeniably sexy at times.
