A rose by any other name…

…Probably wouldn’t smell half as ridiculous?

Today’s post is going to take you into the pure joy of how fucking weird and ludicrous the world of porn is. I know, I know,  you’re like, “But I already know how ridiculous the world of porn is…” That’s great, but I’m still going to show you that it’s even more ridiculous than you’re thinking, so have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Maybe even undo a few buttons.

First up, while doing some scanning around for “research” earlier, I came across one of the silliest titles to a video I’d ever seen before: “Food line waitress serves fresh pussy.” Well, that sounds tasty. The video is almost entirely exactly what the title promises, but points for starting with an almost PSA-like disclaimer: “It feels good to help those less fortunate than us. After all, not everyone can be blessed with a great set of tits and the ability to perform triple anal. Some people just need a little extra help in life to get through…” From there, this clip crawls on it’s stomach towards infamy, yet leaves me with the lingering thought of: How exactly does one became an extra in a porno?

Secondly, I want to share with you a clip entitled “Girl cutting classes strips to her panties.” The “plot” is that a young woman who looks remarkably like Mia Kirshner has to hide out for a few hours because the truancy cops seemingly have a manhunt looking for her in full force. After that, you begin to realize that some people became adult film actors because they just want to be paid for doing what they love, and some do it because they can’t fucking act.

Up third today is what almost passes for a romantic title: “Baby, as long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.” Wow, huh? Isolated in that title is the kind of sweetness that’s almost bad for your teeth. The video, I don’t think it’ll shock you to find out, doesn’t necessarily live up to that promise, and has something to do with a woman who gets some bad news from the doctor, goes home to sleep in her husband’s arms all night and then gets up to make him breakfast in the morning. He doesn’t come down right away when she calls up to him, so she goes upstairs to make sure he’s okay, only to find him engaged in sexual congress with another woman. Or is he? Quite frankly, I was hoping for a finale akin to the ending of The Brown Bunny, but that just wasn’t in the cards… Also, watching a video like this desperately makes me wish that there was a house band in each serious porno, you know, just off to the side of the set, scoring the film as it’s happening in front of them. Or maybe it could be more diegetic music? That’d be good too. I’d really like to see this saxophone player filling the room with his heart, possibly right as the male lead is jackhammering the blonde into the bed as hard as he can.

Going forth, the next clip I have for you is called “Niko, I’m ready to be fucked,” which features a young woman or probably Russian descent (or maybe Greek-ish) who reminds me a good deal of Maria Schneider and basically consists of said young woman frolicking around from her bathroom to her bedroom naked, talking with her lover, and seemingly trying to entice him into bed with her. There’s no actual sex, but it’s actually kind of adorable to see them together. There’s a level of intimate sweetness that’s sadly just not on display in “Baby, as long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.” So sad.

Up next, I’d like to share with you a clip called “Her ass as payment.” Cryptic, right? I know. Payment… for what? Oooh, questions to be answered. Well, they’re not very interesting. The services rendered were apparently a massage, and we see the woman waking up afterwards, it seems. The young male mausseuse comes over and the woman inquires about what form of payment is desired. “I could always just throw money at you,” she coos softly as she fondles his crotch. He then removes her towel and begins eating her pussy. Then she sucks his cock, and then he’s fucking her doggystyle on the bed. They switch positions once and not long after that, you know where his cock ends up? Right in her ass, man. As payment. More assfucking ensues and the video ends with the girl sitting on the floor on a pillow, upside down and pressed up against the bed as the guy sits on the bed and finishes cumming on top of her ass. I wouldn’t declare any of it as being the hottest thing I’d ever seen, but the video is about a half hour long so it takes it’s time and that’s nice.

The real beauty of this clip, the reason I bring it to your attention in the first place, oh faithful reader, is what happens at the very beginning of it: Over a black screen, for about 45 seconds or so there’s the sound of what you have to assume are some kind of production crew for this video. A director maybe? Someone saying that they’ll keep the actress in the video alone on screen at the start of the clip and then the man will join her. It’s not very in depth, but it’s a very brief, interesting exposure to the technical side of the kind of clips we review here.

And now we come to our last video of the day, the wonderfully titled “Sexy babe in the Army – she supports the Surge!” Wow. Topical, right? The video, which has some fairly generic production, starts with a young woman named Cindy, telling the camera what her goals are in the adult industry. I’ll summarize it for you as: To connect with her audience in a meaningful way and enjoy what she does. Of course. After that, we get into the story proper: A soldier stands watch in a somewhat desert-like locale. He has his gun ready and spies someone coming towards him through his binoculars. It’s a fairly attractive woman in all camouflage (Cindy) strutting towards him. When she gets to him, she asks if he’s the one she’s been looking for. Turns out he is. He asks who she is and she identifies herself as “Private Debbie, with the Pleasure Corps” and according to their records, he’s been out in the field for over 30 days straight and the Department of Defense now feels that none of their soldiers should be out in the shit for that long without pussy, so… Long story short: She fucks his brains out there in the desert.

Besides how fucking ridiculous the clip is, I especially mention it because it reminds me of a comic title that came out last year called Army@Love, written and drawn by comics legend Rick Veitch. The basic premise being that the United States is engaged in a war in a fictional middle eastern country called Afbaghistan, and to combat the hardships that war takes out on our troops, a new department has been created in the Department of Defense, the Office of Motivation and Morale, or MoMo for short. MoMo comes up with some interesting notions. They decide to sell the war the way everything else is sold: dripping with sex. Women are included in combat, the Army provides orgy get togethers for the troops, and promotes the war as an extended video game-like kegger vacation. “A guilt free bacchanal,” is how this site very accurately describes it. While not being perfect, it’s a fun series, and a playful melodrama. The first issue opens with two soldiers becoming members of “The Hot Zone Club.” Think the Mile High Club, just in a war zone with bullets flying past your head and explosions going off inches away from you. It’s kind of hot.

That wraps it up for today. I hope you’ve enjoyed these six clips and all I can say is that while doing “research” for this post, I found quite a few clips just as fun as these videos. See you soon, you perverts.