Into the woods…

Let me just throw this at you real quick:

Fantasy porn.

Still with me?

No, I don’t mean a porn fantasy. In a lot of ways, ways that matter, all porn is a fantasy. I say that and we all think, “Well, yeah, no shit.” No shit indeed. But what I’m talking to you about is Fantasy Porn, man.

Lord Of The Rings.

Legend.

World Of Warcraft.

I’m talking knights, princesses, goblins, ghouls, orcs, Gods and Goddesses, dragons, elves, wizards, weird magical practices, giant serpents, Conan, Red Sonja (who would only give herself sexually to the man who could defeat her in personal combat, and is soon to be a new movie starring Rose McGowan), Michael Moorcock (a porn name if ever there was one), faeries, dwarves, Frank Frazetta covers, all of that shit!

According to Wikipedia, World of Warcraft has something like 10.9 million monthly subscribers and is commanding 62% of the MMOG market. Jesus. That’s a hell of a lot of people with no fucking lives, who exist solely in front of their computers, thriving off of it, getting something important and substantial out of it.

(Granted, the same thing could probably said about a guy who reviews porn clips online but you know what? Fuck off with that line of thinking, okay?)

So with such a built in audience, why hasn’t anyone really jumped on the idea of fantasy thing before? Or have they and I just have no idea of it? I mean, I’ve heard people make jokes about pornos called “Lord Of The Anal Rings” and shit like that, but is it real?

Maybe. Today in my “research” gathering, I ran across a clip entitled “Peasant Girl Fucked By An Ogre.” That’s not exactly accurate, but it firmly fits into the category of swords and sorcery-esque fantasy porn. You’ve got a girl who may be a peasant (but may also secretly be a princess). You’ve got some kind of midget/hobbit. You’ve got an evil Queen surrounded by rubber masked ogres. And, of course, you’ve got an enchanted dildo.

Oh, and a troll with a penis-shaped nose which I was positive I was hallucinating for a moment there.

What a thing of twisted beauty. And look at those production values for a ridiculous niche porn item. Fascinating. And as incredibly stupid as it is, how can you not want to watch more of this? I mean, clearly it’s just a clip of a much longer movie, but I’d love to see more. A rudimentary bit of “research” hunting on the various free sites didn’t illicit too much information, but I’m still dying to know more. If you see anything out there, let me know, kids.

But I’m telling you: Fantasy porn. That’s a license to print money right there.

Until next time, I leave you with…

CONAN, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?