You can blame it all on me.

So.. we haven’t been around lately. A whole three months. I think I can speak for my co-blogger when I say that we’re sorry. A lot of things are different now, so the future of this dark little place? I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t up in the air. But, who can ever tell? Maybe we’ll be back. Or maybe just one of us. Keep us in your RSS reader or bookmarks, maybe it’ll show up again and it’ll be like the 20 dollars you stashed in a pair of jeans you haven’t worn in 6 months. Till next time…

at night alone, i marry the bed

The Ballad of The Lonely Masturbator

by Anne Sexton

The end of the affair is always death.

She’s my workshop. Slippery eye,

out of the tribe of myself my breath

finds you gone. I horrify

those who stand by. I am fed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Finger to finger, now she’s mine.

She’s not too far. She’s my encounter.

I beat her like a bell. I recline

in the bower where you used to mount her.

You borrowed me on the flowered spread.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Take for instance this night, my love,

that every single couple puts together

with a joint overturning, beneath, above,

the abundant two on sponge and feather,

kneeling and pushing, head to head.

At night alone, I marry the bed.

I break out of my body this way,

an annoying miracle. Could I

put the dream market on display?

I am spread out. I crucify.

My little plum is what you said.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Then my black-eyed rival came.

The lady of water, rising on the beach,

a piano at her fingertips, shame

on her lips and a flute’s speech.

And I was the knock-kneed broom instead.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

She took you the way a woman takes

a bargain dress off the rack

and I broke the way a stone breaks.

I give back your books and fishing tack.

Today’s paper says that you are wed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

The boys and girls are one tonight.

They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.

They take off shoes. They turn off the light.

The glimmering creatures are full of lies.

They are eating each other. They are overfed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

The Ivory Snow Girl

Porn legend Marilyn Chambers was found dead in her home in Southern California today. She was one of the first porn stars I can remember watching and knowing through her soft core movies that were shown on Cinemax. I thought we could pay tribute to her today.

Behind The Green Door was Marilyn’s third and her most famous film. Prior to that, she did two films and was a spokesmodel for Proctor and Gamble products; most famously Ivory Snow soap. When she moved to San Francisco, she auditioned for the Mitchell brothers and the rest is history. The film is about a woman who gets abducted into a sex theater and forced to have sex with multiple men for the enjoyment of an audience. When asked how she felt about filming Behind The Green Door at the tender age of nineteen, Marilyn said she was “as nervous as a whore in church.”

Compared to the porn starlets of today, who flood the market with multiple films and Internet appearances, Marilyn made very few films during her heyday. She has 34 film credits on IMDB which spans two decades. Compare that to Jenna Jameson, who has a much longer resume spanning a much shorter time period. Her second best known film is Insatiable.

After taking a break from porn, Marilyn came back in the dreaded “hot older woman” role. But, like her contemporary Nina Hartley, Marilyn had no problem being what we now call a “cougar.” She says, in an interview she gave in 1999:

“I think that a beautiful, sexy older woman is needed. I’m not saying that’s what I am, but if I can bring any kind of portrayal of an older woman who enjoys sex, then I am proud to do so. Maybe I can even help expand the screen life past twenty five. That’s one of the problems with this business. It is scary because usually past age thirty, that’s it. I’ve been very fortunate to have a long career. Having only done six feature adult films in my whole career, I haven’t really over exposed myself. People know who I am because of the other things I have done,. I am constantly doing a lot of publicity and appearing here and there. Still, I am best known for my adult films which makes me very happy because obviously they have been done very well. I think that’s an important factor. If you totally inundate the market with yourself, people will get tired of seeing you. How many movies can you make? How many positions can you be in?”

Marilyn has said that her favorite scene she’s ever done is the pool table scene from Insatiable. It’s rough, sexy and exudes a real passion you just don’t see in modern flicks. Marilyn was a legend for a reason. The combination of beauty and real enthusiasm is a hard one to capture and “it”, whatever “it” is, Marilyn had it. What’s saddest about Marilyn’s story is how resistant mainstream Hollywood was to accepting her. She talks of being black balled in Hollywood after producers were hesitant to work with a porn star. Check out the following interview done in 1977 where she talks about attempting to transition. She’s so sweet, soft spoken and beautiful in this clip, taken from a New York City public access show:

It makes me sad to think of what could have been if Marilyn had been a star now. The truth is, the days of actress like Marilyn Chambers is totally gone. It wouldn’t be feasible for an actress to only do 6 films or to do such (relatively) tame work. It also gives a nostalgia for a past era, perhaps one that never actually existed, of sexual freedom. Behind The Green Door is so compelling because in the end, isn’t that all our fantasies are about: being in a place where anything is possible?

“It’s impossible, it really is. I have done some R rated stuff, late night crap on USA and Cinemax. I mean, it’s fine, it’s good money, but it’s nothing that I consider acting. You can do that stuff with your eyes shut. I would like to do something that takes some actual acting ability. It seems that every time I play a part I am playing myself. I have been offered a lot of stuff that ends up jinxed or turned down because the producer’s wife got pissed off or some famous actor wouldn’t work with me because I did porno films or whatever. A lot of them are afraid because I’m more famous than they are. So, I kind of got the idea that it was never going to happen about ten years ago. I figured I might as well enjoy what I have and not be bitter over what I don’t. I’ve been very happy that my career has gone on as long as it has. If I can go another three years, I’ll be very happy.”

Mountains and Valleys

Yesterday was National Cleavage Day (sponsored by Wonderbra). I had the same reaction as I did to Steak and A Blowjob Day: aren’t those things every day occurrences? At least if you are me, that is. We celebrated the best way we knew how: by posting photos to our tumblr. Most notably, this one.  This girl embodies the spirit of National Cleavage Day. Although, to be fair, she’s not wearing a bra.

A cleavage holiday reminds me of one particular video that always seems to come back to haunt/delight me. It is of Naughty Allie, a star in the “horny housewife” Internet porn genre, ladies who bypass the traditional starlet route and do their own sites and videos along with their husbands. Some of the women, like Wifey never have sex with anyone but their cameraman husbands. Allie, thankfully shares her horniness with damn near everyone who comes to her giant home. She says in the intro to her site:

I’m pretty much your average girl next door except for one thing, my insatiable appetite for sex. Seriously, I cannot ever seem to get enough action no matter how often I get laid. Guys, girls, dildos, whatever! I just need to get off at least four or five times a day and I don’t care how I get it done! People say I look shy and innocent, but the truth is that I’m actually a naughty sex addicted little nympho.

Allie sounds like she has some kind of medical addiction to sex. Thank God she is a porn star. The video itself is pretty natural. Allie is talking on the phone with a girlfriend and her husband/boyfriend approaches her with a hard on. Rather than say, telling him to go away, she decides to put his boner right in between her luscious (probably fake) breasts. It’s a pretty spectacular image. Check it out for yourself:

Sometimes cleavage is best on its own or paired with a very bad joke:

And other times, if you look at it from a different angle than usual, it’s a hot little teaser of what’s to come:

Fascimiles

A great genre of porn is the one that takes a straight culture product and  parodies it into porn. I was reminded of my love for this genre while reading about Keeping Up With The Kardassians, a twist on the reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

And then here’s Pulp Friction, based on Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction:

Then there’s another classic, Hannah Does Her Sisters (from Woody Allen’s Hannah & Her Sisters)

One of the last great old school-esque porn stars, Juli Ashton gives us her take on Being John Malkovich with Being Juli Ashton

And finally, a film I’ve never seen, but that I found while Googling porn titles. Lord of The G-Strings, based on nerd fest Lord of The Rings. You can even buy it on Amazon!

No te amo

de Pablo Neruda

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

Sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

(All images taken from the CK tumblr. Read it in English here

The Greatest Love Of All

I promised a Valentine’s Day post, so here it is. My original idea for this post was to pull some clips from the tubes that were, in my head, romantic, or had a romantic moment. Even in some rough clips, we can see a little sweetness peeking through the thrusting and moaning; a hot look, a sweet kiss, a tiny little whisper. But as I make my way through this Valentine’s Day, or as my co-blogger calls it, “Single’s Awareness Day,” I find that to post clips like that would likely be detrimental to my brain.

Let me explain: underneath the sarcasm, dry as desert humor and unrelenting cynicism, lies a hardcore motherfucking romantic. I know, you’re shocked. And it is because of this, this “intense and deep walled heart” (as my co-blogger has called it), that I am let down so frequently. While others of my age group and generation want to remain distant, cold, awkward, I want to experience it all and breathe it all in. But when you get burned, you stop going out as often. And so, at this time, I’m cautious. As cautious as my impulsive, big dreams, starry eyed heart will allow me.

And: I do believe in love, and believe that at some point, maybe not today, maybe not even any time soon, maybe in another 5 years when I’ll be even older, I’ll have it again. I have to believe it. But today, to put that on a pedestal, something I don’t have, something my heart desperately wants and fuck it, I’ll even say it needs it, well that would be a cruel trick to play on myself. And maybe even you.

But love is great and it comes in many different forms. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years of singledom, it’s that there’s nothing like relying on yourself when times get tough.

So, here, if you’re alone, seduce yourself. Some of these clips may help.

1. Damn This Is Hot…

This is a really lovely, fantastic clip of a beautiful girl watching a porno and getting herself off. It’s filmed entirely in Nightvision. It’s simple, no tricks, no fuss and proves that to make a good clip you have to have an actress who’s into it and worth watching.

2. I Feel Myself

The Ifeelmyself/abby winters porn empire is one of the few companies that has it right: pretty girls who don’t look like porn stars being genuinely sexy. They have a knack for getting women to just act like themselves and not some stupid male fantasy. For example, sometimes you keep your clothes on when taking care of yourself. Modern girls are busy, after all.

3.Teen With Glasses Caught Masturbating

There are a bunch of clips on the tubes that look just like this: a young girl masturbating while someone films her through a sliver of an open door. It’s very close to reality and the women in it are always pretty and enthusiastic.  And it’s always a pleasure to spend some serious time with yourself.

With yourself, you can have sex with anyone in the world in your head, you can sleep soundly, you can let your feelings run amok.  So if you can’t be with the one you want, love the one you’re with, you are pretty damn special after all.

Long Island Lolita

If you were in New York City in the mid 90s (and I certainly was), you’re never going to forget Amy Fisher, or the Long Island Lolita, as she was called. The press was all over it: pretty young girl, sleazy old guy, and middle aged wife with a paralyzed face in the middle of it all. It didn’t hurt that every one involved was so quintensially New York: thick accents, long nails and sweat suits for everyone.

amy as she was then.

After serving 7 years in jail for attempted murder, Amy has been trying to keep her name in the spotlight the only way she knows how: by having more sex with older guys, this time her husband, Lou Berella. Earlier last year she sold a sex tape, which is naturally available on the tubes.

The tape itself is really boring. Their sex is rote and methodical and it’s clear that the camera work is that of someone with no training (so no interesting angles). They had the smarts not to include music, but instead we are treated to Amy’s moaning and Lou’s non stop chatter. They obviously made the sex tape so they could sell it.

A celebrity sex tape that is far sexier is (very surprisingly) Kim Kardashian and Ray J. While the dubbing on this link is really bad (the audio clearly does not match the visual), the sex just looks hotter.

A lot of the links to the Kardashian sex tape are now gone thanks to her trusty lawyers, but if you can find it, their tape is much more clearly the self documentation of two people clearly into each other. Their whole tape is not just them fucking, but them joking around in the hotel room, on a yacht and on the beach (ah, to be rich, famous and with a hand held camera).

Unfortunately for us (and what inspired this post in the first place) is Amy is going to make porn her full time job. She tells Fleshbot that not only does she have a pay per view special coming up, she’s starting up her own site and dancing at a strip club on the side.

The Italian Job.

We’re going to try something new tonight. Fiction based on porn! In this case, this little Italian number. Warning: the dubbing in the video is awful. Stick with my supplemental reading

The Amicis had wrapped up their cocktail party. The catering crew had cleaned up, the drunk drivers had been sent home in taxis, and the kids were long asleep. Only one guest remained: Olga, a red headed fiery busty Norwegian, who had just been transferred to the Rome office of Leo’s company. She had always flirted with him at work, teasing him about his ineptness on the computer and showing off her sturdy Viking body in tight black skirts and 5 inch heels.  Her legs were long, but shapely. She definitely worked out. He thought she mostly dated women, she would flaunt her conquests in the office and flirt just as much with Leo’s secretary. “I just love blondes.”, she said “Amo appena le donne haired bionde“. He was a bit surprised to find Olga talking with his wife in their bedroom. All the young wives of his co-workers had made him so lusty and he was dying for some time alone with her. But when Olga walked over to the bookcase and pulled out an old tattered copy of The Joy of Sex, he knew what she was up to.

It was no surprise when he found himself pushing his wife up against the bookshelf, his mouth on hers and his fingers pushing down Olga’s top to reveal two amazing pair of breasts. They were just as good as his wife’s, but they were real, soft and pliable.  The only person who was awake was the Amici’s nanny, Lucia who was staying up studying for an exam. She was a few doors down from the master bedroom and while working, overheard the distinct moans of people having sex. But, it was different: this time she heard a third voice. She was interested and annoyed; she gets up to go investigate. Maybe she could close their door.

Don't they know I have finals tomorrow?

Intrigued, she stood by the master bedroom and watched as Mr. Amici fucked the red haired woman she had spied on at the party. While she watched the kids, the woman came up to her, gave her the look over and said, “I’d love to have you take care of my kids. You look like a good nanny.” and winked as she walked away. Not having had a boyfriend since moving to Rome to take care of the Amici children, she found herself getting turned on watching her boss fuck that woman. She also saw Mrs. Amici with her hands in her panties. Since they couldn’t see her, she lifted her shirt.

Some Stress Relievers

I won’t lie: this girl porn blogger is motherfuckin’ stressed. I hate the holidays, I’m working like a crazy person, and it feels like years since the last time I’ve gotten laid (it hasn’t, it just feels that way). Thank God we have the tubes, or I wouldn’t be sleeping. Some fine selections, for you, from me. Because I care.

1.This hot teen loves to fuck!

It’s true, you guys. She does. The music in this video is fucking terrible, but the girl is hot, enthusiastic and barefoot. I don’t have a foot fetish, but I can’t stand when women wear shoes in porn. Most sex happens without shoes. It is unrealistic to the point of stupidity. The guy isn’t bad looking either. They don’t escape the cliche of terrible porn kissing, but for the most part, this is a nice, long video. Seduce yourself, readers. Pour yourself a glass of your favorite libation and enjoy.

2. Eating Her Pussy

I pick this video because I love thinking about how it came about. These people were probably out on Halloween, got drunk, came home, started fooling around and before you know it, he is going down on her on webcam while she keeps her rabbit ears on. And now it’s on Megarotic and we’re blogging about it. I actually don’t find this video all that hot, but it’s rare to find a boy/girl clip of just cunnilingus. We must treasure it, just like good oral sex is to be cherished and appreciated. Check it out after the jump!

3. Horny Couple

I love the simplicity of titles on the tube sites. This is a super sexy amateur clip of a really attractive young couple. It looks vaguely Russian, but I’m starting to think all porn comes from Russia now, or will be. These people are genuinely into each other and it shows in their sex; my favorite moment is the brief pause right around 2:45, where they stare at each other lustily for a second while he keeps his hand on her pussy. It’s a very genuine moment. It’s not a perfect video, they fumble, but all it just makes it all the more real.

4. Car Cumming

We really don’t delve too much into solo videos here, which is a shame since I rather like them. One day we’ll have to devote a whole post to the wonderfulness of I Feel Myself and Beautiful Agony, but for today, this is a great homemade clip of a girl wanking it in her car in what sounds like a car wash. It’s all very deliberate; she sets up the camera, looks around for any potential people and diddles herself to a strong, healthy orgasm. Just like we do. Aww.