The great porn hunt.

A trip down memory lane…

Sin Titulo: I just saw this and had a good chuckle. Look at the post by user “poseidon.”

Luna de Miel: Aww, I miss CK. Was just talking about porn last night on the phone and the “hunt” for that perfect video.

Sin: I miss it too. And the huuunntttt, yes. So perilous, so full of deceptions. It’s like some kind of strange ritual. Like the British and their tea. Or, fox hunting. You feel like you should be eating a special breakfast before hand and putting on gloves and reciting an ancient prayer with your genitals before opening up several tabs in your browser and hitting up all your favorite porn sites. But, of course, the exact opposite is true.

Luna: But it seems so … urgent and important. It HAS to be the right one, and it has to be the right moment in the video. I’m very picky. I hate coming too soon and maybe missing a better one later on in the video. But .. in the end, I usually feel like I’ve just wasted two hours and now my hands are cramped and my laptop is out of batteries. You don’t feel that way when you’ve been fooling around with someone for 2 hours. Quite the opposite. Usually.

Sin: I know what you mean. Fuck, I know what you mean. There’s nights where the hunt is just… After an hour, you know you’re going to get off to something… sub par. But you keep the hunt up, massively unenthused. Then, there’s nights where all your clips/videos are hot, but still not right. Still not perfect. So you keep going, treading on through promising stuff that’s not right for the moment and that very special and very sad kind of blue balls you can only get during “the  hunt.”

Luna: There’s a point where you’ve come too far. Sure, you can go to bed and just forget it, but you’ve worked so hard for this, you know? You have to finish up now. Or it might start hot and then someone does something to mess up the flow.

Sin: The video is hot but you’re looking for that right string of 30 seconds to a minute to two or three minutes by which you’re really going to put the finishing touches on that special masterpiece you’re working on, which is, well, yourself.

Luna: But what’s interesting is it has to provoke the right kind of images in your head, bc you’re usually not really thinking of the video. Maybe you are, but for the really good ones… it just goes back to something else in your brain.

Sin: So true. No matter how vague or oblique or indiscriminate. Something you see there reminds you of something from your memories or your fantasies. You’re exploring a part of yourself that you can’t see normally with your own eyes (or maybe don’t want to). It’s either something you’ve seen before and would kill to see again or something you’ve always been looking for.

Luna: But… yeah. I haven’t seen anything lately that’s really stuck in my head as remarkable. It all blurs together into a mess of body parts.

Sin: I’ve seen one or two that have really done the trick. Memorable? No. I feel like there’s weird ages of porn clips on the internet. Or eras. Or aeons, but they fade away into dust and blow away with the wind. Nothing lasts forever. I’m nostalgic for clips I jacked off to a year ago and can’t seem to find anywhere. No one likes feeling left behind. Especially when you’re sitting in front of a computer screen and holding your dick in hand.

Luna: Yeah, I know the feeling. There’s always that phantom clip that will haunt you. If only, if only you could find it again…

Armed and dangerous.

Luna de Miel: Worst name for a porn site ever? YouJIZZ.

Sin Titulo: Ugh. Yeah. That is bad.

Luna: And like, you could make it work by having the whole site be just jizz videos but … no.

Sin: Yeah, a site of nothing but cumshots would make more sense. I mean, I’d avoid it, but it’d make sense. YouJizz. That… I do not like that.

Luna: It’s kind of aggressive, no? I don’t have to jizz if I don’t want to, youJIZZ.

Sin: I picture a thick menacingly accent person pointing a gun at my head saying, “You. Jizz! Or we kill the girl!” And he’ll do it too.

Luna: Yes, he will. Also… the reason I’m even aware of the existence of youJIZZ is I was reading a sex blog that was recommended to me by Google Reader. They also linked to this website, which is a swingers site and has the world’s least attractive people on the front page right now.

Sin: Lifestyle Lounge. Heh. What a funny title.

Luna: The people on the front page are so….greasy. They’re the kind of people who would invite you over for dinner to seduce you and you’d come over, all hungry and be all “sooo when’s dinner?” and they’d be like “later, relax!” and put on something like Usher. Then they’d drop wine on you so you’d have to take your shirt off. And then you’d realize what’s happening. And you can’t leave.

Sin: Let’s leave my dating history out of this, shall we?

Luna: Oh. Sorry. I forgot. Hit too close to home there, huh?

Sin: Ehhhh. That’s how all my dates start. Then they end with some stereotypically foreign movie villain saying to me, “You! Jizz! Or we kill the girl and the small furry animal.”

Luna: Then you’ve found yourself in a real pickle then, huh? Would that work with girls too?

Sin: Oh, yeah, of course. It’ll just be a lot more attractive when they do it.

Luna: Maybe this is the plot for the porno that’s been living inside my head for a while?

Sin: Being told to orgasm at gunpoint, either with the gun to your head or with the assailants holding a loved one hostage?

Luna: The gun is kind of hot. but, yeah.

Sin: Is there a happy ending to that story?

Just so there’s no confusion: We love Lena Chen.

Luna: The cops show up. Gangbang time. This is going to be a really dirty porno.

Sin: Does the hostage stay tied up in the corner the whole time?

Luna: Well if we’re going to get really filthy.. the hostage stays tied up and gets involved.

Sin: Does it end with you and your porno troupe turning to the camera and obliterating the fourth wall by telling the audience, “And now… you jizz!” Or do you just jizz on us, like one of those 3D rides at Disneyland back in the day?

Luna: OMG, the second one would be amazing. With a really cheesy effect, too.

Sin: Gallagher-style. Watch out, people in the first three rows!

Luna: This will be the kind of porno you watch ironically.

Sin: Ironic masturbation!

Luna: Yes.

Sin: I feel like if our blog hadn’t been called Carnal Knoweldge, it would’ve been called Ironic Masturbation.

Luna: No, no masturbation. Just… watch it at parties and think… “WTF?” And, you know, there’s room for a sub-title yet.

Sin: Carnal Knowledge, home of the Ironic Masturbation… right into your eye!

Luna: Watch out!

The Desk Job.

Sin Titulo: Here’s an example of how a typical conversation between Luna and myself goes…

Luna de Miel: Have you ever seen this clip? “Secretary in office gets fuck real.” It’s so intriguing.

Sin: Oh, yes, I certainly have. You know what’s bizarre about you mentioning that just now?

Luna: What?

Sin: I was literally just sitting here thinking about writing a post about that clip. Ha ha. It’s an internet classic as far as I’m concerned. I was just sitting here thinking about what to say.

Luna: It’s a fascinating clip for me. I found some of her other clips – someone in the reviews on fantasti.cc mentioned the name she goes by – but that one just seems so real. And the POV on it is great.

Sin: Wow. I didn’t even know she had others. Good for her. I really like this one. No dialogue, just an intense close up of her face. Like a monologue of facial expressions, and there’s quite a range here. At first it feels like something wrong is happening here, like something horrible is happening to her, and yet, while we should probably be calling for help or rushing in to save her, we’re still watching, you know? We’re still aroused.

Luna: Yes, it’s like the beautiful agony videos! And yeah, when I first saw it, I thought it was more sinister than it is, like rape maybe, but then I really got into it. I really like it.

Sin: Shall we team up for a review of this clip?

Luna: I’m going to have to say yes.

Sin: Nice.

Luna: Hmm. Shall we do a whole post on her facial expressions. Maybe call it ALL OVER YOUR FACE?

Sin: Ha ha, perhaps.

(note to readers: this is an inside joke of ours that would take too long to explain and, we promise you, really isn’t worth it.)

(further editor’s note to our beloved CK readers: ALL OVER YOUR FACE is the new Your Mama! Trust us on that.)

Luna: Even though I know this clip is staged, it feels authentic, like she didn’t know this encounter was being filmed, and the way she is dressed is very real too. Like, you know in pornos when they do “office scenes” and the woman are always dressed somewhat outlandishly in ridiculously tarted up and too small for them suits?

Sin: Oh yes.

Luna: She is dressed in a way that someone who works in a office would dress. It’s not over the top at all. I could kind of see it as maybe the guy had a webcam and set it up so he could film it. I also have some ideas as to why they’re there in the first place.

Sin: You’re very right about her attire. But it’s not just her clothes, but her in general. She looks like a real, normal middle class woman who would have an office job. She’s just perfect and beautiful in how normal she is. And her “acting” is realistic, very down to Earth, not over the top “Oooh, put your dick in my ass, yeah!” kind of stuff.

Luna: Yeah.

Sin: And when you watch it, the first thing that enters your mind is that she’s being forced to do this in some kind of way. Either physically or in a evil boss saying, “Do this or you’re going to lose your job” kind of way. Because of things we’ve seen before, a scenario is immediately suggested in your head when you watch this. And her facial expressions add to that perfectly, that feeling that you’re watching something wrong happen. But you’re watching it, you’re enjoying it and it’s exciting in how complicit you are to this act.

Luna: And she has still has clothes on. That’s a big sign right there, a testament to how real it feels.

Sin: Yeah, and when she stands up at the end for a second and you see that she still was the green sweater on, but nothing below, that’s kind of hot to me. Maybe I have a thing for girls in sweater shirts and nothing else?

Luna: What a surprise, you like girls with no pants on

Sin: Ha ha, yeah. But then he brings his cock to her at the end, like a present or I guess a bonus? Something about it feels like A) your typical porn ending to me, or B) the way people who watch way too much porn and get power fantasies from it think sex should end, thus making you hate this evil boss person even more.

Luna: Oh, that’s very hot. It’s really sex. It’s not a porn ending to me, it feels somewhat realistic. But I think also… her hesitation is part of her turn on, like she’s as much of a player in this game as he is.

Sin: Yeah, they’re both role playing a bit in this power struggle fantasy, if that’s even what’s going on, and there’s probably a hundred different storylines we could concoct for this. But in this struggle for power, you know who wins? Us.

Thanks for joing us, but if you’ll excuse, we’ve got some overtime to put on and then it’s back to the grind. We’ll catch you kids later, at the water cooler perhaps?

Lezzie Sunday.

Sin Titulo: Outside it’s cold and it’s grey, the weekend’s almost over, and you just want to enjoy your Sunday with some nice relaxing at home, right? That sounds lovely. You could read a book, listen to music, watch an old movie in bed, or just let your mind wander away…

Or, a friend of yours could join you for some making out on a couch and then maybe the two of you could find something better to get up to together, right?

Sure sounds nice to me. And hey, when you’re two adorable lesbians, like “Nella and Lidney“ here, spending some time together on a Sunday (or a Lezzie Sunday, if you will)(we apologize for that title, we really do), who the fuck needs books?

(Also, extra kudos to these lovely ladies, well the first girl anyways (whether she be Nella or Lidney) for her choice of footwear. If you’ve been paying any attention to the CK tumblr, then you know that Sin Titulo is a big fan of chucks, and of the girls who sport them.)

Luna?

Luna de Miel: I agree. I think making out with a lady on a Sunday on a couch sounds like probably in the top list of things I would want to do, maybe ever. There’s also being thoroughly fucked well by a hot MILF or maybe just meeting up with some friendly sorority girls and doing it all over her bed. Or maybe you’re a little shy about your bicurious tendencies and just want to spend the day watching another girl masturbate while someone tastefully films you from above. Or you’re in the mood for some professional porn star action in this incredibly hot video of a young teacher learning a lesson from her boss.

Whatever you decide, you’re going to kiss a girl and I think you’re going to like it..

(You really didn’t think I was going to stick Katy Perry on you, did I? I care more about you than that.)