The great porn hunt.

A trip down memory lane…

Sin Titulo: I just saw this and had a good chuckle. Look at the post by user “poseidon.”

Luna de Miel: Aww, I miss CK. Was just talking about porn last night on the phone and the “hunt” for that perfect video.

Sin: I miss it too. And the huuunntttt, yes. So perilous, so full of deceptions. It’s like some kind of strange ritual. Like the British and their tea. Or, fox hunting. You feel like you should be eating a special breakfast before hand and putting on gloves and reciting an ancient prayer with your genitals before opening up several tabs in your browser and hitting up all your favorite porn sites. But, of course, the exact opposite is true.

Luna: But it seems so … urgent and important. It HAS to be the right one, and it has to be the right moment in the video. I’m very picky. I hate coming too soon and maybe missing a better one later on in the video. But .. in the end, I usually feel like I’ve just wasted two hours and now my hands are cramped and my laptop is out of batteries. You don’t feel that way when you’ve been fooling around with someone for 2 hours. Quite the opposite. Usually.

Sin: I know what you mean. Fuck, I know what you mean. There’s nights where the hunt is just… After an hour, you know you’re going to get off to something… sub par. But you keep the hunt up, massively unenthused. Then, there’s nights where all your clips/videos are hot, but still not right. Still not perfect. So you keep going, treading on through promising stuff that’s not right for the moment and that very special and very sad kind of blue balls you can only get during “the  hunt.”

Luna: There’s a point where you’ve come too far. Sure, you can go to bed and just forget it, but you’ve worked so hard for this, you know? You have to finish up now. Or it might start hot and then someone does something to mess up the flow.

Sin: The video is hot but you’re looking for that right string of 30 seconds to a minute to two or three minutes by which you’re really going to put the finishing touches on that special masterpiece you’re working on, which is, well, yourself.

Luna: But what’s interesting is it has to provoke the right kind of images in your head, bc you’re usually not really thinking of the video. Maybe you are, but for the really good ones… it just goes back to something else in your brain.

Sin: So true. No matter how vague or oblique or indiscriminate. Something you see there reminds you of something from your memories or your fantasies. You’re exploring a part of yourself that you can’t see normally with your own eyes (or maybe don’t want to). It’s either something you’ve seen before and would kill to see again or something you’ve always been looking for.

Luna: But… yeah. I haven’t seen anything lately that’s really stuck in my head as remarkable. It all blurs together into a mess of body parts.

Sin: I’ve seen one or two that have really done the trick. Memorable? No. I feel like there’s weird ages of porn clips on the internet. Or eras. Or aeons, but they fade away into dust and blow away with the wind. Nothing lasts forever. I’m nostalgic for clips I jacked off to a year ago and can’t seem to find anywhere. No one likes feeling left behind. Especially when you’re sitting in front of a computer screen and holding your dick in hand.

Luna: Yeah, I know the feeling. There’s always that phantom clip that will haunt you. If only, if only you could find it again…

BRB.

It’s about nothing.

We’ve written about the lovely Ashlynn Brooke here before but I’m sad to have just discovered that she’s a staple in the ridiculous porn parodies that’ve been out there. I guess I’m not really against the idea of pornographic parodies of normal creative properties, but they’re not even remotely funny, it seems. The latest one she’s in is literally just called Seinfeld – An XXX Parody.

A porno about nothing? Yeah, I hope so, but I’m not expecting any deepness from this other than, well, how deep the cocks go? Ehhh. But the Seinfeld parody joins a long roster of others, sending up The Office, 30 Rock, and even mediocre fare such as Scrubs.

Ashlynn Brooke as the Jane Krakowski character from 30 Rock in the porn parody.

And you have to admit that the porn parody version of The Office looks interesting, right? And talk about an all star cast.

Oh, Ashlynn Brooke, I want to tell you that you’re so much better than appearing in shit like this, but truth be told, if presented with the opportunity, I’d watch this shit. Fuck yeah, I’d watch it.

The house always wins.

So, in talking with a friend recently, I decided to take a moment (especially since Luna and I are a little bit behind on our posting and we have missed you guys) out of my not so busy day to state the obvious:

You really can’t judge someone on the porn they like.

Well, of course you can.

But you should really judge them on how their porn affects them. We all know that a majority of porn is very, very misogynist and degrading to women (and sometimes, but obviously much less, to men as well)(to the whole human race, really), but the sad truth, is that so many of us like it still. Horininess and a desire for filth, like the house, always wins. We like being naughty. In fact, how can you respect the prudes out there because, when you really get down to it, if you’re into a sexually healthy and adventurous lifestyle, you’re going to end up doing some pretty wrong shit, right?

But it’s really up to you to decide at what level your shit becomes wrong. And fun. And at what levels your limits demand testing, pushing, blurring, etc.

And if you’re not doing it now, then get out there and start.

Like what you like. If it gets you off, that’s fantastic. Keep it to yourself or share it with the world, it’s totally up to you.

And I’ll give you an example: cheerleaders. What a dorky, ridiculous cliche for men to like. But you know what? If I’m flipping through some videos on any one of the many porn sites that Luna and I traffic sometimes 8 or 9 times a day (“research,” people, it’s all “research!”), and I see a cheerleader video, I’m probably going to click on it.

Granted, it’s a moot point if the person whom you’re judging based on their porn perspectives is into something where people have to be punched in the face or stabbed to get off. That’s probably a little excessive, but hey, maybe you’re into that?

Originally in the above paragraph, I was going to use watersports or scat porn as examples, but again, maybe you’re into that? In fact, I used to date this girl, this really sweet, shy, timid wallflower of a girl, the kind that doesn’t know how pretty she is, and all those wonderful cliches. She was very reserved and cautious in bed, but one day, like a scene from a movie, as we lay there so wonderfully post coital, she asked me if I’d piss in her mouth because it’s been so long since she’d found a guy who’d do that for her. And I don’t know about you, but I love when I’m presented with new character tests to pass or fail.

Alright, that’s enough out of me for now. As you were. Go watch something dirty, okay?

Hocus Pocus.

So, I’m going to reach into my top hat here and pull out this rabbit out for you…

That’s the video for the new Ciara single, “Love Sex Magic,” which is three of my favorite things. It features Justin Timberlake because, whether we like it or not, that guy is out there. Just like AIDS, man.

For like the first time in a year or so, I turned on VH1 the other morning, and… Wow, what a graveyard. Is this where mediocre music goes to die? Mainstream? The only diamond in the rough was this video, which I instantly thought was ridiculously sexy. The song isn’t great, but it’s good, I like it, and it works. As the Boston Herald put it: “Not quite magic, but it grows on you.”

That it does.

And granted, I know I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in a room full of deaf or uninterested people here, but Justin Timberlake, WTF? Is his presence necessary here? Especially considering this is a Ciara video and for the most part, she’s forced to just basically be the pretty girl with the lovely voice who gets the sing the hook on her own track.

Also, the other thing that gets me, is that Timberlake looks so incredibly disinterested in this video. This beautiful woman, a talented singer and dancer, is grinding all over him and except for a few moments here and there, he looks like he’s waiting to clock out and pick up his check from the record label. Was Jessica Biel standing just off set, watching with a mean scowl on her face? It’s horrible because it kind of undersells the video and makes Ciara look like she’s trying to hard to win over, what? This guy? Please.

I shit you not, the Wikipedia caption for the above photo is: Ciara as a sexy tigress in a cage in the music video.

But I guess this also fits into the bit more than slightly misogynistic trend in music videos where the loser guy just kind of sits there while the hot girls do all the hard work and sweating. And Ciara is certainly doing that here. And then some.

And Timberlake just looks like he’s thinking about playing with his magic wand.

The Ivory Snow Girl

Porn legend Marilyn Chambers was found dead in her home in Southern California today. She was one of the first porn stars I can remember watching and knowing through her soft core movies that were shown on Cinemax. I thought we could pay tribute to her today.

Behind The Green Door was Marilyn’s third and her most famous film. Prior to that, she did two films and was a spokesmodel for Proctor and Gamble products; most famously Ivory Snow soap. When she moved to San Francisco, she auditioned for the Mitchell brothers and the rest is history. The film is about a woman who gets abducted into a sex theater and forced to have sex with multiple men for the enjoyment of an audience. When asked how she felt about filming Behind The Green Door at the tender age of nineteen, Marilyn said she was “as nervous as a whore in church.”

Compared to the porn starlets of today, who flood the market with multiple films and Internet appearances, Marilyn made very few films during her heyday. She has 34 film credits on IMDB which spans two decades. Compare that to Jenna Jameson, who has a much longer resume spanning a much shorter time period. Her second best known film is Insatiable.

After taking a break from porn, Marilyn came back in the dreaded “hot older woman” role. But, like her contemporary Nina Hartley, Marilyn had no problem being what we now call a “cougar.” She says, in an interview she gave in 1999:

“I think that a beautiful, sexy older woman is needed. I’m not saying that’s what I am, but if I can bring any kind of portrayal of an older woman who enjoys sex, then I am proud to do so. Maybe I can even help expand the screen life past twenty five. That’s one of the problems with this business. It is scary because usually past age thirty, that’s it. I’ve been very fortunate to have a long career. Having only done six feature adult films in my whole career, I haven’t really over exposed myself. People know who I am because of the other things I have done,. I am constantly doing a lot of publicity and appearing here and there. Still, I am best known for my adult films which makes me very happy because obviously they have been done very well. I think that’s an important factor. If you totally inundate the market with yourself, people will get tired of seeing you. How many movies can you make? How many positions can you be in?”

Marilyn has said that her favorite scene she’s ever done is the pool table scene from Insatiable. It’s rough, sexy and exudes a real passion you just don’t see in modern flicks. Marilyn was a legend for a reason. The combination of beauty and real enthusiasm is a hard one to capture and “it”, whatever “it” is, Marilyn had it. What’s saddest about Marilyn’s story is how resistant mainstream Hollywood was to accepting her. She talks of being black balled in Hollywood after producers were hesitant to work with a porn star. Check out the following interview done in 1977 where she talks about attempting to transition. She’s so sweet, soft spoken and beautiful in this clip, taken from a New York City public access show:

It makes me sad to think of what could have been if Marilyn had been a star now. The truth is, the days of actress like Marilyn Chambers is totally gone. It wouldn’t be feasible for an actress to only do 6 films or to do such (relatively) tame work. It also gives a nostalgia for a past era, perhaps one that never actually existed, of sexual freedom. Behind The Green Door is so compelling because in the end, isn’t that all our fantasies are about: being in a place where anything is possible?

“It’s impossible, it really is. I have done some R rated stuff, late night crap on USA and Cinemax. I mean, it’s fine, it’s good money, but it’s nothing that I consider acting. You can do that stuff with your eyes shut. I would like to do something that takes some actual acting ability. It seems that every time I play a part I am playing myself. I have been offered a lot of stuff that ends up jinxed or turned down because the producer’s wife got pissed off or some famous actor wouldn’t work with me because I did porno films or whatever. A lot of them are afraid because I’m more famous than they are. So, I kind of got the idea that it was never going to happen about ten years ago. I figured I might as well enjoy what I have and not be bitter over what I don’t. I’ve been very happy that my career has gone on as long as it has. If I can go another three years, I’ll be very happy.”

many happy returns!

from here.

We here at Carnal Knowledge would like to wish you a very happy Easter this year, and we sincerely hope that you, much like us, are on your way out to a sexy Easter egg hunt.

(Or something just as fun as that.)

Armed and dangerous.

Luna de Miel: Worst name for a porn site ever? YouJIZZ.

Sin Titulo: Ugh. Yeah. That is bad.

Luna: And like, you could make it work by having the whole site be just jizz videos but … no.

Sin: Yeah, a site of nothing but cumshots would make more sense. I mean, I’d avoid it, but it’d make sense. YouJizz. That… I do not like that.

Luna: It’s kind of aggressive, no? I don’t have to jizz if I don’t want to, youJIZZ.

Sin: I picture a thick menacingly accent person pointing a gun at my head saying, “You. Jizz! Or we kill the girl!” And he’ll do it too.

Luna: Yes, he will. Also… the reason I’m even aware of the existence of youJIZZ is I was reading a sex blog that was recommended to me by Google Reader. They also linked to this website, which is a swingers site and has the world’s least attractive people on the front page right now.

Sin: Lifestyle Lounge. Heh. What a funny title.

Luna: The people on the front page are so….greasy. They’re the kind of people who would invite you over for dinner to seduce you and you’d come over, all hungry and be all “sooo when’s dinner?” and they’d be like “later, relax!” and put on something like Usher. Then they’d drop wine on you so you’d have to take your shirt off. And then you’d realize what’s happening. And you can’t leave.

Sin: Let’s leave my dating history out of this, shall we?

Luna: Oh. Sorry. I forgot. Hit too close to home there, huh?

Sin: Ehhhh. That’s how all my dates start. Then they end with some stereotypically foreign movie villain saying to me, “You! Jizz! Or we kill the girl and the small furry animal.”

Luna: Then you’ve found yourself in a real pickle then, huh? Would that work with girls too?

Sin: Oh, yeah, of course. It’ll just be a lot more attractive when they do it.

Luna: Maybe this is the plot for the porno that’s been living inside my head for a while?

Sin: Being told to orgasm at gunpoint, either with the gun to your head or with the assailants holding a loved one hostage?

Luna: The gun is kind of hot. but, yeah.

Sin: Is there a happy ending to that story?

Just so there’s no confusion: We love Lena Chen.

Luna: The cops show up. Gangbang time. This is going to be a really dirty porno.

Sin: Does the hostage stay tied up in the corner the whole time?

Luna: Well if we’re going to get really filthy.. the hostage stays tied up and gets involved.

Sin: Does it end with you and your porno troupe turning to the camera and obliterating the fourth wall by telling the audience, “And now… you jizz!” Or do you just jizz on us, like one of those 3D rides at Disneyland back in the day?

Luna: OMG, the second one would be amazing. With a really cheesy effect, too.

Sin: Gallagher-style. Watch out, people in the first three rows!

Luna: This will be the kind of porno you watch ironically.

Sin: Ironic masturbation!

Luna: Yes.

Sin: I feel like if our blog hadn’t been called Carnal Knoweldge, it would’ve been called Ironic Masturbation.

Luna: No, no masturbation. Just… watch it at parties and think… “WTF?” And, you know, there’s room for a sub-title yet.

Sin: Carnal Knowledge, home of the Ironic Masturbation… right into your eye!

Luna: Watch out!

The Whole Chicken.

“For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”

and

“Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.”

-Isabel Allende.

So true, Isabel, so true. Here at Carnal Knowledge, I think we like to think of ourselves as the whole chicken, but with some damn fine feathers. Or so we hope…

Mountains and Valleys

Yesterday was National Cleavage Day (sponsored by Wonderbra). I had the same reaction as I did to Steak and A Blowjob Day: aren’t those things every day occurrences? At least if you are me, that is. We celebrated the best way we knew how: by posting photos to our tumblr. Most notably, this one.  This girl embodies the spirit of National Cleavage Day. Although, to be fair, she’s not wearing a bra.

A cleavage holiday reminds me of one particular video that always seems to come back to haunt/delight me. It is of Naughty Allie, a star in the “horny housewife” Internet porn genre, ladies who bypass the traditional starlet route and do their own sites and videos along with their husbands. Some of the women, like Wifey never have sex with anyone but their cameraman husbands. Allie, thankfully shares her horniness with damn near everyone who comes to her giant home. She says in the intro to her site:

I’m pretty much your average girl next door except for one thing, my insatiable appetite for sex. Seriously, I cannot ever seem to get enough action no matter how often I get laid. Guys, girls, dildos, whatever! I just need to get off at least four or five times a day and I don’t care how I get it done! People say I look shy and innocent, but the truth is that I’m actually a naughty sex addicted little nympho.

Allie sounds like she has some kind of medical addiction to sex. Thank God she is a porn star. The video itself is pretty natural. Allie is talking on the phone with a girlfriend and her husband/boyfriend approaches her with a hard on. Rather than say, telling him to go away, she decides to put his boner right in between her luscious (probably fake) breasts. It’s a pretty spectacular image. Check it out for yourself:

Sometimes cleavage is best on its own or paired with a very bad joke:

And other times, if you look at it from a different angle than usual, it’s a hot little teaser of what’s to come: