It’s about nothing.

We’ve written about the lovely Ashlynn Brooke here before but I’m sad to have just discovered that she’s a staple in the ridiculous porn parodies that’ve been out there. I guess I’m not really against the idea of pornographic parodies of normal creative properties, but they’re not even remotely funny, it seems. The latest one she’s in is literally just called Seinfeld – An XXX Parody.

A porno about nothing? Yeah, I hope so, but I’m not expecting any deepness from this other than, well, how deep the cocks go? Ehhh. But the Seinfeld parody joins a long roster of others, sending up The Office, 30 Rock, and even mediocre fare such as Scrubs.

Ashlynn Brooke as the Jane Krakowski character from 30 Rock in the porn parody.

And you have to admit that the porn parody version of The Office looks interesting, right? And talk about an all star cast.

Oh, Ashlynn Brooke, I want to tell you that you’re so much better than appearing in shit like this, but truth be told, if presented with the opportunity, I’d watch this shit. Fuck yeah, I’d watch it.

Fornication under the consent of the King.

Cross posted here.

About two years ago a poll was conducted by psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss from the University of Texas to see all of the reasons why people have sex. This is a short sampling of the 237 compiled reasons from their list, parts of which have been printed before in Harper’s and elsewhere.

I was bored.

I was married, and you’re supposed to.

It became a habit.

It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.

I wanted to stop my partner’s nagging.

I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t.

I wanted to have more sex than my friends.

Someone dared me.

I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

I wanted to defy my parents.

I was slumming.

I needed another notch on my belt.

It was an initiation rite.

The person was famous.

The person was a good dancer.

The person had beautiful eyes.

The person had a great sense of humor.

The person was intelligent.

The person bought me an expensive dinner.

I wanted a job.

Someone offered me money.

I’m addicted to sex.

My hormones were out of control.

I was tired of being a virgin.

I wanted to feel closer to God.

I wanted to boost my self-esteem.

I was trying to reaffirm my sexual orientation.

It’s considered taboo.

I wanted to get rid of aggression.

I was physically forced.

I was verbally coerced.

I was seduced.

I wanted to humiliate the person.

I wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease.

I was feeling lonely.

I wanted the person to love me.

I thought it would help me trap a new partner.

I was ovulating.

I wanted to get rid of a headache.

I thought it would help me fall asleep.

I wanted to keep warm.

I wanted to burn calories.

I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.

It’s my genetic imperative.

I was curious about my sexual abilities.

The person smelled nice.

I realized I was in love.

I wanted to change the topic of conversation.

Mother’s Milk.

In case you were wondering,  yes, your friends and lovers here at Carnal Knowledge are the kind of people to bring you dirty mommy-flavored clips on Mother’s Day. We are just that sick.

from here.

Actually, the first two I want to share with you are less about improper relations between mothers and their offspring, but more about the perils of bad stepfathers:

The first is “Bill, wake up, I’m not mom,” which is… hilarious. This is the kind of stupid you want in almost all porn clips: Family is watching a scary movie on the couch and the mom decides to go to sleep, leaving her daughter and the drunken step father to watch the rest of it. The stepfather passes out and starts humping and touching the girl in his sleep. The girl assumes that he thinks he’s having sex with the mom, but seemingly enjoys it, and they continue. It’s ludicrous! But wonderful.

Oh, and the framing device is that the girl is writing about it in her diary. “Dear diary, I can’t believe what happened to me last night,” she starts the video off with. Ha ha! Excellent!

You can’t tell, but she’s so upset with him.

And then there’s the equally stupid and white trash-y “Wanna Fuck My Daughter?” With a title like that, how can you refuse such a video? In it, a girl comes home late and sneaks in, afraid her mother will catch her, especially when she has to bring a drunk friend of hers home. Thankfully, the mom will never notice since she’s fucking her boyfriend. So, the two girls come in, go to the daughter’s bedroom and pass out. That is, until they’re woken up by the mom who’s boyfriend took a viagra and is just too hard. She needs help taming that great big cock.

God, listen to me. I should start writing porn summaries professionally!

But that’s not to say that step dads are always bad or the only ones who are bad. Sometimes you can have a very naughty step mom as well…

Or there’s also a really good mom, you know, the kind that teaches her daughter all about lesbian sex!

Or the kind that dances around naked for her kids whenever their friends are over!

Or the kind who wakes up their son in the middle of the night to molest him, but in a sexy way!

Or a mother who shares.

Or the kind who tries to push their (step) daughter to be the best that she can, and then has sex with her.

Or the… well, the whatever the fuck is going on in this video, which I’ve always found hot, but so weird.

Anyway, love your mom, kids. Maybe not love love them. But love them. Or someone else’s mom, sure. They’re called MILFs for a reason, but beyond that, it’s their day so treat them special, okay?

The family that lays together stays together.

Just go ahead and try to tell me that the above video isn’t hot. Cause it is and you know it. I love showing it to people and hearing them say, “Damn, that is really hot, really sexy.” And I say, “I know, it is, isn’t it? Also, those two are brother and sister.”

I think it’s safe to say that once human beings were able to perfect capturing the images of life as a means of recording our experiences as animals on this planet, be it in words, oral tradition, or drawings on the walls of caves, then a form of intertexuality was born. True or not, someone was given the ability to walk in and point at a story you liked or enjoyed and say, “Oh, by the way, that’s incest.”

The same could be said for porn, without a doubt. Once we were able to capture the recreation of the telling of ourselves as sexual beasts, we were able to capture every part of it, real or imagined, including when two people who share a little genetic code start bumping uglies. It happens consensually (and sadly, sometimes not) in real life, maybe not a lot, but more than you’d think, I’m told, and in the idea of fiction, it could probably be used as the ultimate metaphor for closeness.

If I was a much more pervy and skeezy man, I’d say that incest porn is the ultimate depiction of the post-post-post-nuclear family. But I’m not quite there, not yet.

Sadly, I can’t totally tell what’s going on in “Family Fucking 4some,” besides alliteration gone wild, but also because of the language barrier. In this clip, which I believe is Russian, you’re looking at a family (but who really knows) having some shots together, then watching a little porn, and then having an orgy. I think there’s an important lesson here for one and all: You don’t have to be pretty to do the incest thing.

There’s no sound in “Classic Lesbian Sisters have Sex,” but really, there doesn’t need to be. All you need are the words “classic” and “lesbians” in a sentence and life is better, right? Throw in “sisters,” and maybe, just maybe, it’s better than you deserve.

There’s no dialogue in “First Mother And Daughter’s Emotion Part 2” to signify a familial relation, but again, it doesn’t need it. What have you hear is just a lovely clip of an older woman and a young woman enjoying a nice passionate moment together on a love seat. Plus, it goes to show you that you can probably take just about any clip and label it “incest” if you want and you’ll most likely get a few thousand extra hits.

What starts off as an early morning trailer park cuddle up for warmth in “Daddy Fucking Teen In Caravan” turns into what is actually a kind of hot video with a nice little soundtrack. I would love to have this playing the next time I’m involved in some jumping of the bones. This or “Caravan Girl” by Goldfrapp:

I think either would work very, very nicely.

In “Bad Brother Wants Cousin To Do His Fucking Thing,” you start to see the sliding scale of these videos, which I’ll go into more as we continue. Also, I hate the guy in this video. The girl is on the cute side and says repeatedly, “My legs are getting tired,” and he makes her keep going and seems slightly more concerned that the camera (see above) is catching all this (supposed) incestuous hotness. Also, is it me or is the cousins fantasy just a watered down version of the brother/sister fantasy?

And then we get to “Hot Incest,” which to me, is anything but. There’s something kind of sadly abusive about it, but I think there may be a larger point to be made there, of course.

I’d really love to talk to someone who is currently in or was in a mature (of legal age, please) consensual incestuous relationship at some point. These people fascinate me to an extent, but I’ve been left with the impression that these couplings always end badly or leave those involved incredibly depressed. Case in point: “Mom Daughter and Son sweat together.” What an interesting title for such a depressing clip, possibly one of the saddest and most pathetic I’ve ever seen in my life. I really think that the line “My name is Michael” in this, what is destined to be a classic in the erotic cinema of feeling bad, is to become the new “My name is Ishmael.” It’s just so weird and depressing to watch, and yet, I think that it supplies the meta thesis to all of this: It’s a hot fantasy in your head, but beyond that, it’s just so… so… bad.

Some fantasies, some naughty trains of thought are exciting to us because they’re just wrong. Some things we like just because we know, or at least are told, that it’s wrong. We adore the taboo.

But some things are perhaps just better left in the realm of the imagination and own dirty heads.

The Big Game.

Wait, isn’t there some kind of huge football game happening today?

Luna and I aren’t the biggest football fans, but in honor of the big game today, I’m going to celebrate it the best way I know how:

“Football Team Gangbangs Chick!“

and

“Football Busty Sluts Eat Cock!“

and, of course, a massive football players and cheerleaders orgy. That kicks the ass of any halftime special right there.

Anyway, enjoy the Super Bowl and we’ll see you in the locker room afterward!

Laundry day!

For most people, laundry day is the same day each week, right? For me, it’s Sunday night. It’s the dreaded chore before the dreaded work week starts anew…

Thank God for porn, right?

“Hooray for Laundry Day” sums it all up right there. This is one of the hottest clips I’ve seen on the internet, and I’m just sat the version I’ve found for you here is such low quality. Keep your eye out for a better version of it. It’s hot.

“Holly West Fucked In The Laundry Room” is almost just as hot for me, to be honest. It’s just two good looking people having sex and enjoying themselves and what could be better than that?

“Sex At Laundry Room” is a classic Heather Brooks clip, and if you’ve ever seen one of her videos before, then… well, it’s the same as all of them. Only in a laundry room.

“2 College Girls In Basement Doing Laundry” is a classic for the voyeurs and hidden camera set.

And last, but not least, I give you “Laundry Room Fuck,” a nice little clip about two people just trying to fuck and maybe also shoot some porn, but people keep walking in. Towards the end, the camera can’t help but catch one guy just lingering in the hallway outside the laundry room, watching and stroking his cock as the couple have sex. I guess, in that regard, he’s kind of the proxy for the audience, huh?

Angel of the morning.

One of the many things I like about the sunrise is that it usually looks just like a sunset. It’s perspective really just relies on your level of fatigue and how excited you are for whichever is about to begin, your day or your night…

But for me here, it’s morning. I got up too early and now I’m up, bathed in the sunlight. And I think we both know what that means: porn.

The first clip I want to share with you is merely called “Good Morning,” and for the guy in it, it is a good morning. He wakes up in bed, video camera still on apparently, and his beautiful girlfriend makes up for falling asleep early on him last night after a few drinks by giving him a lovely blowjob while he makes some of the most hideous early morning moans that you can hear. Other than that, this is a very nice clip.

Then we have “Good morning baby,” a clip that I really like despite how ridiculous it feels. The gist: A girl wakes up, then wakes up her boyfriend because she’s still horny. He asks what time it is and she says that it’s 6 in the morning. He complains that they were up all night fucking and now he’s too tired. She persists and he relents because… well, why the fuck would you say no? But he needs to go work out first, he says, so she takes care of herself – having a “delicious orgasm” she tells us in a voiceover – while he’s gone. He comes back, freaks out because she did so, to which she lets him on a fact: “Girls can have orgasms without guys.” And then they have sex. It’s just cute enough, but my lingering question for you, CK reader is: Voiceover or not voiceover in your porn clips? Does it take you out of what could very loosely be called “the story” too much, or the action, or is it fine?

Our last clip is not necessarily morning specific, but watching it just now, it just feels right in that morning light to me. It is a perfect example of that morning glory. In fact, “Nessa Overhears Sister Fucking In The Next Room” is probably one of my favorite clips that I’ve seen in a while. The title says it all and beyond that, I’m not going to ruin this clip by talking about it. Watch it, enjoy it, and either start your day or… let’s go back to sleep.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da!

Life goes on!

Well, you know that Luna and I love ourselves some amateurs in action. We like to imagine the stories of these real people, what we hope are real couples, making it work, and walking the long, hard road of love together. Because romance and everything after “Happy Ever After,” when you go into the woods with another person, well, that’s the ultimate story, right?

We’re not the only people who do that, are we?

But hey, this is Carnal Knowledge, so don’t get us wrong: We also like to see couples on occasion filming themselves getting freaky with each other.

Of course, in the world of porn clips online, the videos of these couples always have names like “Amateur Couple Sex Tape.” How fucking generic, right? It’s also fascinating (both in good ways and kind of pathetically sad ways, to be honest) to see these couples adopting a lot of fancy moves, moves that you assume are usually reserved for porn. But hey, I guess once somebody turns a camera on and points it at our bouncing ass, we all become big, bright shining stars, right?

Or we just become bored to death, like the guy in this clip, amazingly also called “Amateur couple sex tape.” Seriously, buddy, I know work probably sucks and the economy is going down the shitter, but Obama’s in office now and no matter how much your boss could possibly be busting your balls, your ladyfriend is applying a little TLC to them. Can’t she even get a thanks?

And then there’s this one, which title-wise, changes it up just a bit. “Amateur Couples Sex Tape.” Wow. Great. Thanks. There’s only one couple on display here, so I presume it’s referring to this amateur couple’s tape, but whatever. It’s not bad, but these crazy kids are Russian, so based on previous clips I’ve seen out of Russia, I have serious distrust for it’s authenticity. In fact, I presume there’s dirty unshaven men in leather coats standing just off camera holding bull whips and knives and semi-automatic rifles. “Keep fucking or else we’ll go cold war on you and your family’s asses!”

I’m not going to say too much about this one, other than here’s some simple and easy steps for any couple out there who’d like to make their own sex tape: Step 1. Get a hotel room. Step 2. Set up a camera in a static position. Step 3. Jackhammer. And lots of it.

And I’ll end today’s jaw session in abstract, unrealistic things like love, intimacy, and highly filmable sex with one of my favorite clips, “Amateur College Sex Tape.” Another stupid name, but whatever. You’ll see this clip all over the place, sometimes titled something along the lines of “Couple Decides To Stay Home For The Day And Fuck.” Now we’re talking. The clip itself is simple and nice, the girl is cute, and they’re having fun, even if they are bouncing around from position to position. But hey, that just means that they’re enjoying each other and that their sex life is far from boring, right? Isn’t that what every real couple should have the privilege of sharing?

Lay your hands on me.

Warning: Today’s post comes with a happy ending!

Ha ha!

I wanted to talk about the laying of hands today, something that’s usually seen in ridiculous religious ceremonies or in possibly even more ridiculous spiritual practices like reiki, but a lot of my search results, no joke, kept going back to just massages. I guess that’s just how the internet works? I say: “The Divine Touch” or the laying of hands? The internet responds with: Dirty sexy masseuse and happy endings. Well, fine. I’m just not gonna argue with you, world wide web. I’m just going to enjoy the erotic thaumaturgy.

So today, we’re going to share a few massage clips. And I can already tell you that there could be a sequel or two to this post because when you to just about any site and do a search for “massage” or any variation, you get inundated with only about a thousand or so hits. There’s a lot of rubdown smut out there.

Our first clip is entitled “Stephanie 18 POV” and is hot. It consists entirely of the lovely young Stephanie (see above) showing up to get a massage, enjoying some sensual touching, and then doing a little sensual touching of her own on the guy giving her the massage. Stephanie has a beautiful runner’s body and the clip is incredibly fun and sexy. Not lost in this clip though is a sense of sensuality and what I interpret to be Stephanie’s arousal at her masseuse’s arousal inspired by her. We really see in a very brief form how erotic the laying of hands upon one’s body can be, the initial not sexual touching, and the pleasure that springs from it that can ignite your loins.

Our next clip is called “A massage that turns into a blowjob and fuck.” Porn likes to tell you exactly what you’re getting and I like that. This clip consists of a guy showing up to a somewhat less than professional massage parlor, undressing and getting on the table, enjoying about 30 seconds of a massage, and then being happily taken advantage of by his masseuse who seems to take a great deal of pride in her work. To me, this clip isn’t very exciting and is really just more… rote. But the conversation between Wally, the guy getting the massage, and the masseuse, Betty, is just kind of hilariously sad. Especially when Wally tells Betty (see above) that he makes a living through recycling and panhandling. That and “I’ve heard good things about this place,” Wally tells Betty. “All my friends told me I should come by.” Uh huh.

Our next two clips are “Black masseuse hot sex with customer” and “Different masseuse gives the same ‘service,’” both of which take place in the same room as the previous clip, one with the same girl (see above), only with different hair, and the other with a different girl (see below). The first of those clips is fairly hot, partly because of the flexibility of the masseuse and partly because of the theatrical enthusiasm and excitement she seems to get at watching these schlubby losers get naked for her. The second clip’s a little less interesting because the girl is a little less exciting, but it is fascinating because the guy (who may be the same in both of these clips, actually) is such a dirty scum bag. He’s freaked out when he first shows up, scared because he’s got a different girl this time and paranoid she won’t give him the “full service.” And then he wonders if he can get a group discount for the guys from his Bible study group…

And our last clip for the night is actually a bit of a special treat: part one (of two) of Taboo 2 , a nice vintage 70s porno about, well, a lot of incest, but also other things that were considered “taboo” back in the 1970s. It’s fun and hot and other than that, I won’t say much more because I’m sure Luna could cover it in a much better way than me. I’ll just say that I love how it starts and there’s a lesbian massage scene about five minutes in. Enjoy!

“You fucked your son Paul!?”

You and me, beneath the covers, between the sheets.

So last night, inspired by yesterday’s post, I did a little late holiday shopping myself (can you believe that I’m not even fully done with it yet?)(Of course you can) and I ended up getting groped a few times in one of the busy lines of peopled packed together like sardines in a hot, sweaty can. I’m not complaining, not at all, just stating a fact.

But here we are with part two of our taking a look at some books that might make fine additions to your last minute shopping spree, or just for your own reading lists…

Everything You Know About Sex Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide To The Extremes Of Human Sexuality(And Everything In Between) .The ultimate gift for someone’s coffee table, bathroom book shelf (you don’t have one in there? Prude), or confused little head, all thanks to the fine weirdos at Disinfo. Don’t believe me? Here’s the first sentence of the product description on Amazon: “Orgasms, sexual inventions, spirituality, high-tech porn, gender-blending, hustling, masturbation, politics, airplane sex, disabilities, sex magick, biblical erotica, advertising, first times, sex in space, asexuality, group sex… Are you ready for Disinformation’s look at the world of sex?” Why, yes, I think I am. Also, I think Luna and I need to somehow make that product description describe Carnal Knowledge too, don’t we?

Sex For America: Politically Inspired Erotica, edited by Stephen Elliott. This is a decent little anthology of stories involving sex and politics and other topical matters (probably slightly past it’s topic though since it’s main target was the Bush administration), but not exactly what I’d call erotica. There’s a lot of intercourse though, how about that? There’s some very interesting stories, some very on point, and some much more subtle. My favorite involved a dominatrix picking up a sub girl at a party on the even of the 2004 election and bringing her home. As they watched the election returns, seeing the chances of a Kerry win slipping farther and farther away, the dom tortures the sub sexually, reminding her of all the ways a continued Bush presidency will fuck her. It’s fun and hot, but quite a few of the stories in this collection are. There’s an impressive roster on display here, including Anthony Swofford, Jerry Stahl, Rick Moody, and Jonathan Ames, and Elliott is an author that I’ve been hearing about for a while now, but I’d like to give his story collection My Girlfriend Comes To The CityAnd Beats Me Up a look sometime. Here’s an excerpt from that.

The Extremist, written by Peter Milligan and illustrated by Ted McKeever, is a slightly different kind of selection on this list being that it was a four issue limited comic book series that was released in 1993 and as far as I know, has never been collected in book form. A while back I read this post on the miniseries and immediately sought out the individual issues on ebay and I’m certainly glad it did. I don’t want to talk too much about the story, for fear of giving away something, but I will say that the story deals with secrets and sex, and the titular character is a fetish gear-wearing assassin (and underground celebrity frequenter of various San Francisco sex clubs) for a a shadowy hedonist organization known as “The Order.” Actually, the story deals with the the Extremist’s wife, who only discovers her husband alias after he’s murdered, and to get her revenge on his killer, she’ll have to submerge into the same role that her husband held, but some lifestyles aren’t as easy to get out of as they are to get into. This is a thrilling and dark read, filled with sex and violence, and high recommended. I’d also recommend the link up above as an excellent write up on the series, but it contains quite a bit of spoilers, so proceed at your own risk.

Vox by Nicholson Baker. Baker is usually good at creating nice and intricate short novels, and this one is no exception. The story consists solely of a man and a woman, complete strangers, talking on the phone, having phone sex, and and proving that sometimes the most arousing form of intimacy can be just talking. The novel also caught a little attention when it was revealed that Monica Lewinsky had given a copy of it to Bill Clinton (everyone knows that he gave her a copy of Whitman’s Leaves Of Grass, right?). An enjoyable read. Enjoy it by yourself, laying in bed, late at night, or indulge in something I’d like to do someday: read it with someone else, the ultimate act of oral (or aural?) sex.

Lost Girls written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Melinda Gebbie (the book is 16 years in the making and was quite the labor of love for the couple, who got married after it’s completion). Ah, yes, now this is the real deal right here, folks, described by Wikipedia as “an erotic graphic novel depicting the sexual adventures of three important fictional characters of the late 19th and early 20th century: Alice from Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Dorothy Gale from The Wizard Of Oz, and Wendy Darling from Peter Pan. They meet as adults in 1913, and describe and share some of their erotic adventures with each other.” Do they ever, and wonderfully so, I might add. There’s plenty of erotic adventures to be had and shared here in this collected 3 volume set, and the brilliant Moore is quite adamant that while this may be literary porn, it’s most definitely porn on display.

But it’s porn about storytelling, or rather the way that storytelling transforms us, especially as children grow up and into their sexuality. There’s something for just about every taste here and the writing is incredibly smart, arousing both your brain and the rest of you at the same time, and quite wonderfully. I’d have to give this my highest recommendation for those in search of dirty smart filthy wonderfulness, and I wouldn’t be too shocked if you see a much longer, and probably far more lurid write up on this beautiful piece in these pages in the future.

Well, that’s just a few choices for you to consider, again either for yourself or for someone near and dear to you, and we’ll probably have many more to share with you as well, just so long as you never forget that

okay? And because we’re benevolent smut sharers, we haven’t forgotten that you also like audio visual stimuli, so I share with you a lovely little clip entitled “Rub, Read & rub.” Enjoy and happy holidays to everyone.