Cybersex.

I have to wonder with the end of Battlestar Galactica last night and what is presumably the impending cancellation of The Sarah Connor Chronicles is this going to be the end of a conscious and visual desire to have sex with hot robots, at least in popular science fiction?

I guess that’s probably a stupid question. As long as human beings are alive and have working genitals and bizarre hormones, we’ll probably always want to fuck everything we can (especially when told, “Hey, you can’t fuck that!”), including the appliances. Just ask the Japanese.

But I guess I’m wondering if that will continue to be the recurring trend in science fiction for a while (or SyFy), or will we go to a more Torchwood-ian desire to have fun polysexual adventures with alien creatures out of time and space?

Not that the exploration of boundaries and new ideas about sex and sexuality in science fiction is a new thing, which is good. I consider myself a fan of science fiction, perhaps a nerd even (there’s a fine line when it comes to being a fan of sci fi that very easily drops you into darkened nerd territory), and I’ve always liked when science fiction goes adult. I don’t just want to hear about space exploration and what’s inside black holes and how time travel will work or what’s going on with m-theory, tell me about us in the future. Tell me how we interact with the universe in new and interesting ways. And, to put it bluntly, tell me how we get off.

But that’s the nice thing about science fiction, right? It’s all about imagination. The same should be said in a lot of ways for sex and things that can be considered sexy.

More and more, perhaps just to nab headlines, I’m seeing stories about human beings having realistic sexual encounters with robots isn’t that far off. That will open up an interesting can of moral worms about what’s right and wrong: Will Asimov’s laws of robotics get a sexy new fourth law dealing with the opposite of the uncanny valley? Will it be cheating on your human lover? Will it be feminism? Will it develop into real love and marriage?

So, so many juicy questions.

For better or worse, you gotta admit that when your “normal” contemporary life turns into science fiction, then it’s a very interesting time indeed.

And Battlestar Galactica, though I feel the quality of your show has fallen by the wayside quite a bit in the last few years, I salute the ride you took us nerds on, and some of the questions you brought up, not just about survival and robots in space, but really the question of what it is to be human. That, and keying us in to the fact that a robot’s spine glows when they have sex.

Thanks, that’s not only hot, but info I can use.

As for you, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I’ve never really watched you, but even though you sound like a bad joke, people tell me you’re not such a bad show after all. Maybe I’ll get to find out before you get canceled or I end up relying solely on the kindness of robot escort services, just like in AI.

Future, here we come.

The Big Game.

Wait, isn’t there some kind of huge football game happening today?

Luna and I aren’t the biggest football fans, but in honor of the big game today, I’m going to celebrate it the best way I know how:

“Football Team Gangbangs Chick!“

and

“Football Busty Sluts Eat Cock!“

and, of course, a massive football players and cheerleaders orgy. That kicks the ass of any halftime special right there.

Anyway, enjoy the Super Bowl and we’ll see you in the locker room afterward!

Laundry day!

For most people, laundry day is the same day each week, right? For me, it’s Sunday night. It’s the dreaded chore before the dreaded work week starts anew…

Thank God for porn, right?

“Hooray for Laundry Day” sums it all up right there. This is one of the hottest clips I’ve seen on the internet, and I’m just sat the version I’ve found for you here is such low quality. Keep your eye out for a better version of it. It’s hot.

“Holly West Fucked In The Laundry Room” is almost just as hot for me, to be honest. It’s just two good looking people having sex and enjoying themselves and what could be better than that?

“Sex At Laundry Room” is a classic Heather Brooks clip, and if you’ve ever seen one of her videos before, then… well, it’s the same as all of them. Only in a laundry room.

“2 College Girls In Basement Doing Laundry” is a classic for the voyeurs and hidden camera set.

And last, but not least, I give you “Laundry Room Fuck,” a nice little clip about two people just trying to fuck and maybe also shoot some porn, but people keep walking in. Towards the end, the camera can’t help but catch one guy just lingering in the hallway outside the laundry room, watching and stroking his cock as the couple have sex. I guess, in that regard, he’s kind of the proxy for the audience, huh?

Auld Lang Syne.

Well, kids, Christmas is gone and 2009 is upon us…

Luna and I want to wish everyone out there a very happy New Year’s Eve, full of wild good times and super sexy craziness, just keep your resolutions and your regrets manageable, okay?

We’ve only been with you a short time now, but we’ve had a hell of a time and we hope you’ve enjoyed the ride too. Don’t worry, we’re not even close to stopping and I think it’s safe to say that you’ll be seeing a lot more of us in the new year. We might even have some surprises up our sleeves…

But there’s plenty of time to worry about that. For now, go have some fun, okay? That’s what we’re going to do and soon as we’re sober enough to type, we’ll be back with even more goodies for you.

Go light some sparklers and have a drink on us, okay? Now get out there and grab yourself a midnight kiss!

“Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man!”

I certainly couldn’t let this year slide away from us without mentioning what is, without a doubt, still one of my favorite movies, The Big Lebowski, which had it’s 10 year anniversary this year.

Do I even need to explain to you what this movie is? No. I mean, come on. It’s The Big Lebowski. Directed by the Coen brothers? Yeah, you’ve seen it. You know you have. And if you’re reading this and you’re thinking to yourself, “Hmm, I haven’t seen this movie, then… well, you probably don’t understand English. That’s cool and all. Just go watch the movie subtitled in your native tongue and come on back. We’ll still be here. But you know this movie.

Jesus! “You don’t fuck with The Jesus!” And, of course, Karl Hungus:

I could write pages and pages about this movie, you don’t even know. Volumes upon volumes, even. But (for now) I’ll spare you. Tonight we’re just going to talk about one character and one scene. My favorite scene. Well, one and a half scenes.

It all starts when our hero, The Dude (brilliantly assayed by Jeff Bridges)(if this was a longer piece on the movie as a whole, I’d totally go into the brilliant way that the Dude picks up the lexicon of every new social strata he enters, but yeah, that’s a story for another time), meets Maude (Julianne Moore, a fine sport and in great form here), the daughter of the title character, to discuss the kidnapping of the eponymous Big Lebowski’s young trophy wife (Tara Reid, in the role I’m convinced that she was quite literally born to play).

Maude suggests to the Dude, who’s somehow become the point man in the case of the kidnapped trophy wife due to a ridiculous case of mistaken identity, that all is not what it seems and that young Bunny, the kidnapped girl, probably had herself kidnapped to accumulate some money (her husband keeps her on a small budget). Why? “Because she owes money all over town,” we’re told. Including to “known pornographers.” And that’s where the star of our post today comes in:

Jackie Treehorn. Known pornographer.

But here’s the part where I suck and suck hard: I don’t even know where to begin to talk about, let alone really analyze this character, or especially his one brilliant scene in the movie. It all starts with set up, though. You hear about Treehorn long before you see him, he’s seedy and unscrupulous, sending thugs after our hero. And he is, after all, a “known pornographer.”

But then it all falls onto the very capable shoulders of Ben Gazzara‘s brilliantly memorable performance as Treehorn, especially given how little screen time he’s given, but how much he does with it, how perfectly he gives the character this very Malibu-ish laid back yet still regal psychopath vibe. Again, part of that has to do with the writing and the classic way in which the Coens handle the character, who’s creating ripples and ramifications of his very existence long before he pops up onscreen and long after he’s gone. But there’s practically no one more capable of handling this particular medium of crazy characters who look perfectly normal and functioning on the outside than Gazzara. He’s had a hell of a filmography, but have you seen Road House? Say what you will about it (as long as you remember that it’s a brilliant film), but you can’t say that you easily forget Gazzara’s wonderfully unhinged Brad Wesley character after viewing it.

Eventually, the two thugs who peed on the Dude’s rug at the beginning of the movie (and kicked this beautiful tale into high gear) show up at the Dude’s place again. “Ping your diapers on, Lebowski,” one of them tells him. “Jackie Treehorn wants to see you.” You don’t say no to an invite like that.

From there we’re treated to a lovely non sequitir sequence showing you just how much fun a party can be at Jackie Treehorn’s Malibu pad:

Just a topless girl being tossed up and down in slow mo to a lovely soundtrack and for the amusement of the guys holding that blanket. And from the darkness emerges the man himself…

“Hello, Dude. Thanks for coming. I’m Jackie Treehorn.”

From there, Treehorn takes the Dude into what I guess you’d call his quite luxurious living room and they settle in for a nice little chat, which goes a little something like this…

Treehorn: “What’s your drink, Dude?”

The Dude: “White Russian, thanks. How’s the smut business, Jackie?”

Treehorn: “I wouldn’t know, Dude. I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy, and-”

The Dude: “What one was ‘Logjammin?’”

Treehorn: “Regrettably, it’s true. Standards have fallen in adult entertainment. It’s video, Dude. Now that we’re competing with the amateurs, we can’t afford to invest that little extra in story, production value, feeling.”

Treehorn: “People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone-”

The Dude: “On you, maybe.”

Treehorn: “Of course, you do get the good with the bad. The new technology permits us to do exciting things with interactive erotic software. Wave of the future, Dude. 100% electronic.”

The Dude: “Uh huh. Well, I still jerk off manually.”

From there they get down to the business on the case of the kidnapped trophy wife, Bunny. Jackie Treehorn doesn’t know where she is, and in fact, he thinks she staged the kidnapping too, and did it to raise the money to pay him. He doesn’t scare what scam the Dude is playing on the husband, he just wants his money. In fact, if the Dude can bring him his money, then Jackie Treehorn is pretty sure he can offer the dude a nice little finder’s fee.

The Dude: “Okay, Jackie, done. I like the way you do business, man.”

From there, the Dude tells Jackie Treehorn where his money can be found – with a 15 year old kid living in NoHo, near the In-N-Out Burger – and it’s a story that Jackie finds a little hard to believe. But he’s interrupted by phone call and has to take down a message…

Amongst the many other wonderful things this film is, it’s also the Coens’ take on the Raymond Chandler-esque L.A. detective, so of course the Dude notices that Jackie’s taking a message and writing something down. Treehorn then leaves the room for a moment, so utilizing all the tools of the detective that you can see in any movie, the Dude decides to sneak over to see what the note was.

And how does he do that? Shame on you if you can’t guess. But it just means that you haven’t watched enough old detective movies. It’s simple! Since Jackie Treehorn tore the page you wrote the note off the pad, the Dude will just grab a pencil and shade over the top sheet that’s left and the indent of Treehorn’s note will be there. And it is. And it is this:

That’s probably not what the Dude was expecting.

Shortly after that, the Dude passes out since Jackie Treehorn spiked his drink.

And he proceeds to have the greatest hallucination/fantasy dream sequence in a movie ever.

But if somehow you haven’t seen it… well, I’m not going to spoil it anymore than I already have. Let’s just say, you’ve got yourself something to go do, huh?

You and me, beneath the covers, between the sheets.

So last night, inspired by yesterday’s post, I did a little late holiday shopping myself (can you believe that I’m not even fully done with it yet?)(Of course you can) and I ended up getting groped a few times in one of the busy lines of peopled packed together like sardines in a hot, sweaty can. I’m not complaining, not at all, just stating a fact.

But here we are with part two of our taking a look at some books that might make fine additions to your last minute shopping spree, or just for your own reading lists…

Everything You Know About Sex Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide To The Extremes Of Human Sexuality(And Everything In Between) .The ultimate gift for someone’s coffee table, bathroom book shelf (you don’t have one in there? Prude), or confused little head, all thanks to the fine weirdos at Disinfo. Don’t believe me? Here’s the first sentence of the product description on Amazon: “Orgasms, sexual inventions, spirituality, high-tech porn, gender-blending, hustling, masturbation, politics, airplane sex, disabilities, sex magick, biblical erotica, advertising, first times, sex in space, asexuality, group sex… Are you ready for Disinformation’s look at the world of sex?” Why, yes, I think I am. Also, I think Luna and I need to somehow make that product description describe Carnal Knowledge too, don’t we?

Sex For America: Politically Inspired Erotica, edited by Stephen Elliott. This is a decent little anthology of stories involving sex and politics and other topical matters (probably slightly past it’s topic though since it’s main target was the Bush administration), but not exactly what I’d call erotica. There’s a lot of intercourse though, how about that? There’s some very interesting stories, some very on point, and some much more subtle. My favorite involved a dominatrix picking up a sub girl at a party on the even of the 2004 election and bringing her home. As they watched the election returns, seeing the chances of a Kerry win slipping farther and farther away, the dom tortures the sub sexually, reminding her of all the ways a continued Bush presidency will fuck her. It’s fun and hot, but quite a few of the stories in this collection are. There’s an impressive roster on display here, including Anthony Swofford, Jerry Stahl, Rick Moody, and Jonathan Ames, and Elliott is an author that I’ve been hearing about for a while now, but I’d like to give his story collection My Girlfriend Comes To The CityAnd Beats Me Up a look sometime. Here’s an excerpt from that.

The Extremist, written by Peter Milligan and illustrated by Ted McKeever, is a slightly different kind of selection on this list being that it was a four issue limited comic book series that was released in 1993 and as far as I know, has never been collected in book form. A while back I read this post on the miniseries and immediately sought out the individual issues on ebay and I’m certainly glad it did. I don’t want to talk too much about the story, for fear of giving away something, but I will say that the story deals with secrets and sex, and the titular character is a fetish gear-wearing assassin (and underground celebrity frequenter of various San Francisco sex clubs) for a a shadowy hedonist organization known as “The Order.” Actually, the story deals with the the Extremist’s wife, who only discovers her husband alias after he’s murdered, and to get her revenge on his killer, she’ll have to submerge into the same role that her husband held, but some lifestyles aren’t as easy to get out of as they are to get into. This is a thrilling and dark read, filled with sex and violence, and high recommended. I’d also recommend the link up above as an excellent write up on the series, but it contains quite a bit of spoilers, so proceed at your own risk.

Vox by Nicholson Baker. Baker is usually good at creating nice and intricate short novels, and this one is no exception. The story consists solely of a man and a woman, complete strangers, talking on the phone, having phone sex, and and proving that sometimes the most arousing form of intimacy can be just talking. The novel also caught a little attention when it was revealed that Monica Lewinsky had given a copy of it to Bill Clinton (everyone knows that he gave her a copy of Whitman’s Leaves Of Grass, right?). An enjoyable read. Enjoy it by yourself, laying in bed, late at night, or indulge in something I’d like to do someday: read it with someone else, the ultimate act of oral (or aural?) sex.

Lost Girls written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Melinda Gebbie (the book is 16 years in the making and was quite the labor of love for the couple, who got married after it’s completion). Ah, yes, now this is the real deal right here, folks, described by Wikipedia as “an erotic graphic novel depicting the sexual adventures of three important fictional characters of the late 19th and early 20th century: Alice from Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Dorothy Gale from The Wizard Of Oz, and Wendy Darling from Peter Pan. They meet as adults in 1913, and describe and share some of their erotic adventures with each other.” Do they ever, and wonderfully so, I might add. There’s plenty of erotic adventures to be had and shared here in this collected 3 volume set, and the brilliant Moore is quite adamant that while this may be literary porn, it’s most definitely porn on display.

But it’s porn about storytelling, or rather the way that storytelling transforms us, especially as children grow up and into their sexuality. There’s something for just about every taste here and the writing is incredibly smart, arousing both your brain and the rest of you at the same time, and quite wonderfully. I’d have to give this my highest recommendation for those in search of dirty smart filthy wonderfulness, and I wouldn’t be too shocked if you see a much longer, and probably far more lurid write up on this beautiful piece in these pages in the future.

Well, that’s just a few choices for you to consider, again either for yourself or for someone near and dear to you, and we’ll probably have many more to share with you as well, just so long as you never forget that

okay? And because we’re benevolent smut sharers, we haven’t forgotten that you also like audio visual stimuli, so I share with you a lovely little clip entitled “Rub, Read & rub.” Enjoy and happy holidays to everyone.

who’s laughing now?

Here’s a truth that I hold to be self evident and have ever since I was a child: Clowns are fucking creepy, man. Seriously. They’re like painted demons who will razzle dazzle you with buffoonery and their pathetic jester-like antics… just until your parents look away. Then they’re aiming for your soul and they’ll gnaw on it for eternity!

Case in point:

Yeah, I think I’ve made my point right there, haven’t I? Tim Curry as Pennywise the clown from It. You need a moment to go piss yourself in terror as that memory overcomes you? Be my guest. Go for it. I’ll wait here. Probably doing the same thing, too.

Hell, Wikipedia has a whole article on the evil clown phenomenon sweeping across our nation. And don’t forget people like John Wayne Gacy. And this:

I feel your pain, Bart, I really do. And here’s a clown that was arrested for child porn. Doesn’t shock me at all. Not at all!

Years ago a friend told me that he wanted to start a new genre in porn: Clown porn. I laughed cause I thought he was joking, but when the laughter died, he was staring at me with these very serious, very intense eyes. He assured me that he was 100% serious. Do you want to know how I reacted? Very simply: I slapped him.

And then a while back, while compiling a post to celebrate my co-blogger’s birthday, I discovered this clip: “Hailey Wants A Big Cock For Her Birthday – Teens like it big.” Well, I don’t know Hailey too well, nor do I think she speaks for all teens on this one (big? sure, but big floppy clown shoe big? I hope not), but I can tell you something that title doesn’t share with you: She’s a sick bitch because she wants clown cock. Terrifying.

And if you do a search for clowns in your porn (and I can’t imagine why in the fuck you’d want to do that)(unless you’re a sick, stupid man like myself), you find a lot of variations of that same clip, like this one: “Birthday Clown Fucks Her In Ass.”

Just to make it more uncomfortable, you can gross yourself out some more by watching a drunk clown force a girl to suck his cock in “Clown gets a blowjob.” Ick.

And if you’re not numb or been driven psychotic by the weird pain, then I present you with one of the most bizarre, most horrible things I’ve ever seen in my life: “Pornoparanoid!” If that’s not the story of my life in a title, I don’t know what could be. In this clip, a very macabre looking clown literally climbs out of a jack in the box and begins molesting a woman sleeping in the nude. Especially uncomfortable: When he penetrates her with his big long nose. The constant soundtrack of what sounds like mental patients laughing in the background doesn’t make anything better. This is the very opposite of arousal.

Just look at that. Fucking terrifying, isn’t it?

Oh, and someone mentioned the Insane Clown Posse to me the other day, which was interesting. You know what the interesting thing is about those two guys? Fuck those guys. That’s the interesting thing.

BOO!

It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.

Well, hello there!

For starters, Luna and I want to apologize for not being around as much. No, we’re not seeing other people and no, we haven’t forgotten about you. Far from it. We’ve actually just been off watching a lot of smut and looking and dirty pretty pictures and thinking of new ways to get you off. We are, after all, players in the game of mutually assured seduction.

So, as a small token of our thanks for you keeping up with us and not having given up on us (because we sure as shit haven’t given up on you) and to hold you over until we return, we present to you one of the sexiest music videos ever:

“Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak.

Of course you know this song. This song, these images, are burned into your brain, and probably were before you were even born. This video, directed by fashion photographer Herb Ritts (We’re going to ignore the other version of the video, the more Lynch-ian one)(this song was, after all, included in Lynch’s Wild At Heart), and featuring Isaak himself and the lustily cavorting Helena Christensen on a beach (and you know we know about the beaches) somewhere, half naked and covered in sand. Hi there, Helena.

The song was later covered by the wonderful Giant Drag and by Finnish band HIM. I’ve honestly ignore the Him cover because I could give a shit about Him, but since I’ve got a huge crush on Giant Drag’s Annie Hardy (just like you and everyone else ever, right?), I have no problem telling you that her cover is excellent, capturing perfectly the longing, desperate vibe of Isaak’s original song and adding in a nice extra layer of down in the dirt-ness to go with it.

Before this song, I always thought that Chris Isaak was a bit of a douche, to be honest. Hell, I still do. But I have liked some of his songs, like “Somebody’s Crying” and, of course, “Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing,” which gained a good deal of popularity from it’s use in the trailer to Kubrick’s last film, Eyes Wide Shut.

Anyways, enjoy the video. Relax, get yourself comfortable, and slide into something a little more comfortable and we’ll be there soon, because… well, the world was on fire and no one could save us but you!

Stocking stuffers.

Santa, baby, slip a sable under the tree…

Well, we’re getting closer and closer to Christmas and you’ll notice that any store you go to now is already trying to push you their Christmas shit. This includes the world of porn.

“Female Santa Claus Assfucked.” See what I mean? It’s happening already. I want to make a joke about something popping down her chimney, but it’s just not coming to me. The clip itself is decent, a fairly nice looking blonde girl dressed in sexy Santa garb playing with herself before the guy joins in with her and eventually has anal sex with her. The girl feels somewhat so so about that, but what’s interesting to me about this clip is that there may be a problem with the sound looping with the girl doing the action or there may just be another girl somewhere in the room who seems to be having a lot more fun with herself as she watches the proceedings. Lot more fun than I was having anyways, though I did appreciate the themed play.

And then there’s “Hot and Naughty Santa Claus Girl Suck Hard This Cock!” Who doesn’t have to get to scream out that sentence someday? In this video we have another fairly cute blonde girl wearing a Santa hat giving a guy a very enthusiastic blowjob in front of a Christmas tree. And maybe there’s even chestnuts roasting over an open fire somewhere in the background? Maybe. I desperately want to make a nutcracker joke here, but it’s too strained. At the end of the clip, the guy cums into the girl’s mouth, which is nice because you do so rarely actually see that in porn (it’s reserved more for sex tapes with couples who actually like and maybe – gasp! – even love each other, or at least think they do), but then the girl spits his cum out onto her tits and plays around with it a little bit. That’s a bit cliched, but hey, I’m not asking them to reinvent the wheel here. It is nice that at the end of the clip, the words Merry XXX-mas do come on the screen. Thanks, porn! You too!

Well, since this post will have to be a stocking stuffer, something to hold you over until we get closer to Christmas (and all other end of the year holidays), I’ll present you with a few other clips I discovered in my “research” when I found these two…

The first is what appears to be a nice little sex tape, simply and wonderfully just called “In Heat.” It’s just a guy and a girl on a bed together with a stationary placed camera angle, and some fucking. Compared to some of the videos I’ve had to review in the recent weeks, this is hot.

Speaking of hot, I also came across a lovely clip called “Nikki Dial Outdoor Fuck,” which is like Christmas all on it’s own because it has Nikki Dial in it. Nikki Dial is a porn actress from the 90s (Wikipedia mentions that she was able to retire after two years) and she is, quite frankly, gorgeous. Why I never thought about doing a post about her before, I honestly don’t know, but I can tell you that right now I’m thinking about little else. I know what I want for Christmas… This video itself seems to start off semi-sweetly as young Nikki, dressed as what looks like a farmer’s daughter kisses her douche-y looking cowboy guy and then they have some nice sex on a blanket awash in the fading golden glow of the sunset. And set to what could easily have been the score from an old Disney movie. This is a thing of pure beauty, much like Nikki Dial herself.

I’m not at all crazy about the title of our last clip here, “Hot bitch fucks in bathroom,” but it’s fairly accurate. It’s short and sweet, a girl up on the sink, pressed up against the mirror in the bathroom while I guy fucks her from behind. He’s fully naked while she’s still fully clothed (which is refreshing) and… well, something about this entire clip, while far too short, is just hot.

Well, that should hold you people over for a little bit, but remember…

Be warned: THERE ONLY 29 DAYS LEFT TIL CHRISTMAS!

A friendly reminder from your friends here at Carnal Knowledge:

WEAR A CONDOM!

Do I even need to explain why?

“You gotta use a ticket if you wanna ride the ride.” My God, I’m in love with that girl, but she raises some excellent points, if you didn’t already know them. Wrap up your rocket!

Wikipedia’s section on the history of condoms is, quite frankly, fascinating stuff. You should definitely give it a look.

But then there’s the world of condom advertising. The print ads are typically useless, I’ve noticed in waiting rooms and reception areas, just because they offer you nothing. They can’t really show you the product they’re advertising and they rarely have any actual data or information on them.  As far as the commercials go…

This condom commercial here is ridiculously bad.

And for all the same reasons, this commercial is ridiculously great.

How to put on a condom in 3 seconds.

Fly the safe sex airways.

And then there’s this:

So, let’s not bullshit around, okay? Guys: wrap up your junk. It’s just smart. “Pull and pray” is ambitious as hell, but rarely works. Ladies? the same goes for you.

Not wearing a condom is about as smart as SLAMMING YOUR BUSINESS IN A CAR DOOR!