The great porn hunt.

A trip down memory lane…

Sin Titulo: I just saw this and had a good chuckle. Look at the post by user “poseidon.”

Luna de Miel: Aww, I miss CK. Was just talking about porn last night on the phone and the “hunt” for that perfect video.

Sin: I miss it too. And the huuunntttt, yes. So perilous, so full of deceptions. It’s like some kind of strange ritual. Like the British and their tea. Or, fox hunting. You feel like you should be eating a special breakfast before hand and putting on gloves and reciting an ancient prayer with your genitals before opening up several tabs in your browser and hitting up all your favorite porn sites. But, of course, the exact opposite is true.

Luna: But it seems so … urgent and important. It HAS to be the right one, and it has to be the right moment in the video. I’m very picky. I hate coming too soon and maybe missing a better one later on in the video. But .. in the end, I usually feel like I’ve just wasted two hours and now my hands are cramped and my laptop is out of batteries. You don’t feel that way when you’ve been fooling around with someone for 2 hours. Quite the opposite. Usually.

Sin: I know what you mean. Fuck, I know what you mean. There’s nights where the hunt is just… After an hour, you know you’re going to get off to something… sub par. But you keep the hunt up, massively unenthused. Then, there’s nights where all your clips/videos are hot, but still not right. Still not perfect. So you keep going, treading on through promising stuff that’s not right for the moment and that very special and very sad kind of blue balls you can only get during “the  hunt.”

Luna: There’s a point where you’ve come too far. Sure, you can go to bed and just forget it, but you’ve worked so hard for this, you know? You have to finish up now. Or it might start hot and then someone does something to mess up the flow.

Sin: The video is hot but you’re looking for that right string of 30 seconds to a minute to two or three minutes by which you’re really going to put the finishing touches on that special masterpiece you’re working on, which is, well, yourself.

Luna: But what’s interesting is it has to provoke the right kind of images in your head, bc you’re usually not really thinking of the video. Maybe you are, but for the really good ones… it just goes back to something else in your brain.

Sin: So true. No matter how vague or oblique or indiscriminate. Something you see there reminds you of something from your memories or your fantasies. You’re exploring a part of yourself that you can’t see normally with your own eyes (or maybe don’t want to). It’s either something you’ve seen before and would kill to see again or something you’ve always been looking for.

Luna: But… yeah. I haven’t seen anything lately that’s really stuck in my head as remarkable. It all blurs together into a mess of body parts.

Sin: I’ve seen one or two that have really done the trick. Memorable? No. I feel like there’s weird ages of porn clips on the internet. Or eras. Or aeons, but they fade away into dust and blow away with the wind. Nothing lasts forever. I’m nostalgic for clips I jacked off to a year ago and can’t seem to find anywhere. No one likes feeling left behind. Especially when you’re sitting in front of a computer screen and holding your dick in hand.

Luna: Yeah, I know the feeling. There’s always that phantom clip that will haunt you. If only, if only you could find it again…

It’s about nothing.

We’ve written about the lovely Ashlynn Brooke here before but I’m sad to have just discovered that she’s a staple in the ridiculous porn parodies that’ve been out there. I guess I’m not really against the idea of pornographic parodies of normal creative properties, but they’re not even remotely funny, it seems. The latest one she’s in is literally just called Seinfeld – An XXX Parody.

A porno about nothing? Yeah, I hope so, but I’m not expecting any deepness from this other than, well, how deep the cocks go? Ehhh. But the Seinfeld parody joins a long roster of others, sending up The Office, 30 Rock, and even mediocre fare such as Scrubs.

Ashlynn Brooke as the Jane Krakowski character from 30 Rock in the porn parody.

And you have to admit that the porn parody version of The Office looks interesting, right? And talk about an all star cast.

Oh, Ashlynn Brooke, I want to tell you that you’re so much better than appearing in shit like this, but truth be told, if presented with the opportunity, I’d watch this shit. Fuck yeah, I’d watch it.

Mother’s Milk.

In case you were wondering,  yes, your friends and lovers here at Carnal Knowledge are the kind of people to bring you dirty mommy-flavored clips on Mother’s Day. We are just that sick.

from here.

Actually, the first two I want to share with you are less about improper relations between mothers and their offspring, but more about the perils of bad stepfathers:

The first is “Bill, wake up, I’m not mom,” which is… hilarious. This is the kind of stupid you want in almost all porn clips: Family is watching a scary movie on the couch and the mom decides to go to sleep, leaving her daughter and the drunken step father to watch the rest of it. The stepfather passes out and starts humping and touching the girl in his sleep. The girl assumes that he thinks he’s having sex with the mom, but seemingly enjoys it, and they continue. It’s ludicrous! But wonderful.

Oh, and the framing device is that the girl is writing about it in her diary. “Dear diary, I can’t believe what happened to me last night,” she starts the video off with. Ha ha! Excellent!

You can’t tell, but she’s so upset with him.

And then there’s the equally stupid and white trash-y “Wanna Fuck My Daughter?” With a title like that, how can you refuse such a video? In it, a girl comes home late and sneaks in, afraid her mother will catch her, especially when she has to bring a drunk friend of hers home. Thankfully, the mom will never notice since she’s fucking her boyfriend. So, the two girls come in, go to the daughter’s bedroom and pass out. That is, until they’re woken up by the mom who’s boyfriend took a viagra and is just too hard. She needs help taming that great big cock.

God, listen to me. I should start writing porn summaries professionally!

But that’s not to say that step dads are always bad or the only ones who are bad. Sometimes you can have a very naughty step mom as well…

Or there’s also a really good mom, you know, the kind that teaches her daughter all about lesbian sex!

Or the kind that dances around naked for her kids whenever their friends are over!

Or the kind who wakes up their son in the middle of the night to molest him, but in a sexy way!

Or a mother who shares.

Or the kind who tries to push their (step) daughter to be the best that she can, and then has sex with her.

Or the… well, the whatever the fuck is going on in this video, which I’ve always found hot, but so weird.

Anyway, love your mom, kids. Maybe not love love them. But love them. Or someone else’s mom, sure. They’re called MILFs for a reason, but beyond that, it’s their day so treat them special, okay?

Hocus Pocus.

So, I’m going to reach into my top hat here and pull out this rabbit out for you…

That’s the video for the new Ciara single, “Love Sex Magic,” which is three of my favorite things. It features Justin Timberlake because, whether we like it or not, that guy is out there. Just like AIDS, man.

For like the first time in a year or so, I turned on VH1 the other morning, and… Wow, what a graveyard. Is this where mediocre music goes to die? Mainstream? The only diamond in the rough was this video, which I instantly thought was ridiculously sexy. The song isn’t great, but it’s good, I like it, and it works. As the Boston Herald put it: “Not quite magic, but it grows on you.”

That it does.

And granted, I know I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in a room full of deaf or uninterested people here, but Justin Timberlake, WTF? Is his presence necessary here? Especially considering this is a Ciara video and for the most part, she’s forced to just basically be the pretty girl with the lovely voice who gets the sing the hook on her own track.

Also, the other thing that gets me, is that Timberlake looks so incredibly disinterested in this video. This beautiful woman, a talented singer and dancer, is grinding all over him and except for a few moments here and there, he looks like he’s waiting to clock out and pick up his check from the record label. Was Jessica Biel standing just off set, watching with a mean scowl on her face? It’s horrible because it kind of undersells the video and makes Ciara look like she’s trying to hard to win over, what? This guy? Please.

I shit you not, the Wikipedia caption for the above photo is: Ciara as a sexy tigress in a cage in the music video.

But I guess this also fits into the bit more than slightly misogynistic trend in music videos where the loser guy just kind of sits there while the hot girls do all the hard work and sweating. And Ciara is certainly doing that here. And then some.

And Timberlake just looks like he’s thinking about playing with his magic wand.

many happy returns!

from here.

We here at Carnal Knowledge would like to wish you a very happy Easter this year, and we sincerely hope that you, much like us, are on your way out to a sexy Easter egg hunt.

(Or something just as fun as that.)

Armed and dangerous.

Luna de Miel: Worst name for a porn site ever? YouJIZZ.

Sin Titulo: Ugh. Yeah. That is bad.

Luna: And like, you could make it work by having the whole site be just jizz videos but … no.

Sin: Yeah, a site of nothing but cumshots would make more sense. I mean, I’d avoid it, but it’d make sense. YouJizz. That… I do not like that.

Luna: It’s kind of aggressive, no? I don’t have to jizz if I don’t want to, youJIZZ.

Sin: I picture a thick menacingly accent person pointing a gun at my head saying, “You. Jizz! Or we kill the girl!” And he’ll do it too.

Luna: Yes, he will. Also… the reason I’m even aware of the existence of youJIZZ is I was reading a sex blog that was recommended to me by Google Reader. They also linked to this website, which is a swingers site and has the world’s least attractive people on the front page right now.

Sin: Lifestyle Lounge. Heh. What a funny title.

Luna: The people on the front page are so….greasy. They’re the kind of people who would invite you over for dinner to seduce you and you’d come over, all hungry and be all “sooo when’s dinner?” and they’d be like “later, relax!” and put on something like Usher. Then they’d drop wine on you so you’d have to take your shirt off. And then you’d realize what’s happening. And you can’t leave.

Sin: Let’s leave my dating history out of this, shall we?

Luna: Oh. Sorry. I forgot. Hit too close to home there, huh?

Sin: Ehhhh. That’s how all my dates start. Then they end with some stereotypically foreign movie villain saying to me, “You! Jizz! Or we kill the girl and the small furry animal.”

Luna: Then you’ve found yourself in a real pickle then, huh? Would that work with girls too?

Sin: Oh, yeah, of course. It’ll just be a lot more attractive when they do it.

Luna: Maybe this is the plot for the porno that’s been living inside my head for a while?

Sin: Being told to orgasm at gunpoint, either with the gun to your head or with the assailants holding a loved one hostage?

Luna: The gun is kind of hot. but, yeah.

Sin: Is there a happy ending to that story?

Just so there’s no confusion: We love Lena Chen.

Luna: The cops show up. Gangbang time. This is going to be a really dirty porno.

Sin: Does the hostage stay tied up in the corner the whole time?

Luna: Well if we’re going to get really filthy.. the hostage stays tied up and gets involved.

Sin: Does it end with you and your porno troupe turning to the camera and obliterating the fourth wall by telling the audience, “And now… you jizz!” Or do you just jizz on us, like one of those 3D rides at Disneyland back in the day?

Luna: OMG, the second one would be amazing. With a really cheesy effect, too.

Sin: Gallagher-style. Watch out, people in the first three rows!

Luna: This will be the kind of porno you watch ironically.

Sin: Ironic masturbation!

Luna: Yes.

Sin: I feel like if our blog hadn’t been called Carnal Knoweldge, it would’ve been called Ironic Masturbation.

Luna: No, no masturbation. Just… watch it at parties and think… “WTF?” And, you know, there’s room for a sub-title yet.

Sin: Carnal Knowledge, home of the Ironic Masturbation… right into your eye!

Luna: Watch out!

A touch of Grey.

Here’s the poster for the new film by Steven Soderbergh, The Girlfriend Experience, which stars the lovely and talented Sasha Grey:

I really dig that poster. And I’m actually quite a huge Soderbergh fan, so I’d probably be looking forward to this no matter what it was, pretty much, but I’m fascinated by Sasha Grey’s transition (one hopes) from an actress in adult cinema to an actress in mainstream films, or at least films made by filmmakers like Soderbergh.

Sasha Grey, birthday girl.

Of course, on the down side, she’s playing a prostitute (presumably giving someone the girlfriend experience), so there might not be quite the mainstream credibility she could potentially deserve, but it should be interesting either way, right?

Sasha celebrating her 21st (she’s only 21!) birthday recently with what is quite possibly her boyfriend, Billy Corgan.

You can follow Sasha’s twitter, which has some very interesting stuff on it, including this:

…And here’s her now infamous American Apparel ad for one of my favorite blogs, The Reverse Cowgirl:

I thin it’s safe to say that we’re fans of Sasha here at CK, not just becase she’s amazing at what she does, but because she’s a success-minded young woman on an interesting path in her career and has made it clear time and time again that she doesn’t plan on solely being what you expect of her.

Thank God I found an angle like you.

The other day as I was leaving work I encountered a note that someone had typed up and left laying about, fallen to the ground as they were rushing about. It said:

“I believe in miracles and higher powers. I believe that we all have someone watching over us, watching everything we do. I believe we all have angles, and I think that you’re one. And I thank God that I found an angle like you.”

How sad that it made me think of porn, right?

Never mind just the watching part, because it’s all about watching (though sound plays a big part in things as well), but it’s all about angles.

Though you might also call it framing.

Or blocking.

Or just plain God-given flexibility.

One of the clips, I stole some of these images from, “Sexy Teen Loves Cock,” is hot. The girl is cute, flexible, and it’s just fun and sexy. The other clip, “Pretty young babe Faye Reagan gets fucked,” is also hot, but I really hate the guy in it. And it’s not as fun. The guy comes off as increasingly sleazy, a little too prone to throw out the “dirty slut” name calling. Granted, I’ve been around the block – and make no mistake here, because Sin Titulo is a dirty, dirty man – and I know that in the heat of filthy passion, things sometimes go that way, but I look at this dirtbag and I have to wonder why he isn’t saying to this young woman: “Thank God I found an angle like you.” But, you know, nicer.

The Greatest Love Of All

I promised a Valentine’s Day post, so here it is. My original idea for this post was to pull some clips from the tubes that were, in my head, romantic, or had a romantic moment. Even in some rough clips, we can see a little sweetness peeking through the thrusting and moaning; a hot look, a sweet kiss, a tiny little whisper. But as I make my way through this Valentine’s Day, or as my co-blogger calls it, “Single’s Awareness Day,” I find that to post clips like that would likely be detrimental to my brain.

Let me explain: underneath the sarcasm, dry as desert humor and unrelenting cynicism, lies a hardcore motherfucking romantic. I know, you’re shocked. And it is because of this, this “intense and deep walled heart” (as my co-blogger has called it), that I am let down so frequently. While others of my age group and generation want to remain distant, cold, awkward, I want to experience it all and breathe it all in. But when you get burned, you stop going out as often. And so, at this time, I’m cautious. As cautious as my impulsive, big dreams, starry eyed heart will allow me.

And: I do believe in love, and believe that at some point, maybe not today, maybe not even any time soon, maybe in another 5 years when I’ll be even older, I’ll have it again. I have to believe it. But today, to put that on a pedestal, something I don’t have, something my heart desperately wants and fuck it, I’ll even say it needs it, well that would be a cruel trick to play on myself. And maybe even you.

But love is great and it comes in many different forms. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years of singledom, it’s that there’s nothing like relying on yourself when times get tough.

So, here, if you’re alone, seduce yourself. Some of these clips may help.

1. Damn This Is Hot…

This is a really lovely, fantastic clip of a beautiful girl watching a porno and getting herself off. It’s filmed entirely in Nightvision. It’s simple, no tricks, no fuss and proves that to make a good clip you have to have an actress who’s into it and worth watching.

2. I Feel Myself

The Ifeelmyself/abby winters porn empire is one of the few companies that has it right: pretty girls who don’t look like porn stars being genuinely sexy. They have a knack for getting women to just act like themselves and not some stupid male fantasy. For example, sometimes you keep your clothes on when taking care of yourself. Modern girls are busy, after all.

3.Teen With Glasses Caught Masturbating

There are a bunch of clips on the tubes that look just like this: a young girl masturbating while someone films her through a sliver of an open door. It’s very close to reality and the women in it are always pretty and enthusiastic.  And it’s always a pleasure to spend some serious time with yourself.

With yourself, you can have sex with anyone in the world in your head, you can sleep soundly, you can let your feelings run amok.  So if you can’t be with the one you want, love the one you’re with, you are pretty damn special after all.

The family that lays together stays together.

Just go ahead and try to tell me that the above video isn’t hot. Cause it is and you know it. I love showing it to people and hearing them say, “Damn, that is really hot, really sexy.” And I say, “I know, it is, isn’t it? Also, those two are brother and sister.”

I think it’s safe to say that once human beings were able to perfect capturing the images of life as a means of recording our experiences as animals on this planet, be it in words, oral tradition, or drawings on the walls of caves, then a form of intertexuality was born. True or not, someone was given the ability to walk in and point at a story you liked or enjoyed and say, “Oh, by the way, that’s incest.”

The same could be said for porn, without a doubt. Once we were able to capture the recreation of the telling of ourselves as sexual beasts, we were able to capture every part of it, real or imagined, including when two people who share a little genetic code start bumping uglies. It happens consensually (and sadly, sometimes not) in real life, maybe not a lot, but more than you’d think, I’m told, and in the idea of fiction, it could probably be used as the ultimate metaphor for closeness.

If I was a much more pervy and skeezy man, I’d say that incest porn is the ultimate depiction of the post-post-post-nuclear family. But I’m not quite there, not yet.

Sadly, I can’t totally tell what’s going on in “Family Fucking 4some,” besides alliteration gone wild, but also because of the language barrier. In this clip, which I believe is Russian, you’re looking at a family (but who really knows) having some shots together, then watching a little porn, and then having an orgy. I think there’s an important lesson here for one and all: You don’t have to be pretty to do the incest thing.

There’s no sound in “Classic Lesbian Sisters have Sex,” but really, there doesn’t need to be. All you need are the words “classic” and “lesbians” in a sentence and life is better, right? Throw in “sisters,” and maybe, just maybe, it’s better than you deserve.

There’s no dialogue in “First Mother And Daughter’s Emotion Part 2” to signify a familial relation, but again, it doesn’t need it. What have you hear is just a lovely clip of an older woman and a young woman enjoying a nice passionate moment together on a love seat. Plus, it goes to show you that you can probably take just about any clip and label it “incest” if you want and you’ll most likely get a few thousand extra hits.

What starts off as an early morning trailer park cuddle up for warmth in “Daddy Fucking Teen In Caravan” turns into what is actually a kind of hot video with a nice little soundtrack. I would love to have this playing the next time I’m involved in some jumping of the bones. This or “Caravan Girl” by Goldfrapp:

I think either would work very, very nicely.

In “Bad Brother Wants Cousin To Do His Fucking Thing,” you start to see the sliding scale of these videos, which I’ll go into more as we continue. Also, I hate the guy in this video. The girl is on the cute side and says repeatedly, “My legs are getting tired,” and he makes her keep going and seems slightly more concerned that the camera (see above) is catching all this (supposed) incestuous hotness. Also, is it me or is the cousins fantasy just a watered down version of the brother/sister fantasy?

And then we get to “Hot Incest,” which to me, is anything but. There’s something kind of sadly abusive about it, but I think there may be a larger point to be made there, of course.

I’d really love to talk to someone who is currently in or was in a mature (of legal age, please) consensual incestuous relationship at some point. These people fascinate me to an extent, but I’ve been left with the impression that these couplings always end badly or leave those involved incredibly depressed. Case in point: “Mom Daughter and Son sweat together.” What an interesting title for such a depressing clip, possibly one of the saddest and most pathetic I’ve ever seen in my life. I really think that the line “My name is Michael” in this, what is destined to be a classic in the erotic cinema of feeling bad, is to become the new “My name is Ishmael.” It’s just so weird and depressing to watch, and yet, I think that it supplies the meta thesis to all of this: It’s a hot fantasy in your head, but beyond that, it’s just so… so… bad.

Some fantasies, some naughty trains of thought are exciting to us because they’re just wrong. Some things we like just because we know, or at least are told, that it’s wrong. We adore the taboo.

But some things are perhaps just better left in the realm of the imagination and own dirty heads.