You can blame it all on me.

So.. we haven’t been around lately. A whole three months. I think I can speak for my co-blogger when I say that we’re sorry. A lot of things are different now, so the future of this dark little place? I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t up in the air. But, who can ever tell? Maybe we’ll be back. Or maybe just one of us. Keep us in your RSS reader or bookmarks, maybe it’ll show up again and it’ll be like the 20 dollars you stashed in a pair of jeans you haven’t worn in 6 months. Till next time…

Mountains and Valleys

Yesterday was National Cleavage Day (sponsored by Wonderbra). I had the same reaction as I did to Steak and A Blowjob Day: aren’t those things every day occurrences? At least if you are me, that is. We celebrated the best way we knew how: by posting photos to our tumblr. Most notably, this one.  This girl embodies the spirit of National Cleavage Day. Although, to be fair, she’s not wearing a bra.

A cleavage holiday reminds me of one particular video that always seems to come back to haunt/delight me. It is of Naughty Allie, a star in the “horny housewife” Internet porn genre, ladies who bypass the traditional starlet route and do their own sites and videos along with their husbands. Some of the women, like Wifey never have sex with anyone but their cameraman husbands. Allie, thankfully shares her horniness with damn near everyone who comes to her giant home. She says in the intro to her site:

I’m pretty much your average girl next door except for one thing, my insatiable appetite for sex. Seriously, I cannot ever seem to get enough action no matter how often I get laid. Guys, girls, dildos, whatever! I just need to get off at least four or five times a day and I don’t care how I get it done! People say I look shy and innocent, but the truth is that I’m actually a naughty sex addicted little nympho.

Allie sounds like she has some kind of medical addiction to sex. Thank God she is a porn star. The video itself is pretty natural. Allie is talking on the phone with a girlfriend and her husband/boyfriend approaches her with a hard on. Rather than say, telling him to go away, she decides to put his boner right in between her luscious (probably fake) breasts. It’s a pretty spectacular image. Check it out for yourself:

Sometimes cleavage is best on its own or paired with a very bad joke:

And other times, if you look at it from a different angle than usual, it’s a hot little teaser of what’s to come:

Fascimiles

A great genre of porn is the one that takes a straight culture product and  parodies it into porn. I was reminded of my love for this genre while reading about Keeping Up With The Kardassians, a twist on the reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

And then here’s Pulp Friction, based on Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction:

Then there’s another classic, Hannah Does Her Sisters (from Woody Allen’s Hannah & Her Sisters)

One of the last great old school-esque porn stars, Juli Ashton gives us her take on Being John Malkovich with Being Juli Ashton

And finally, a film I’ve never seen, but that I found while Googling porn titles. Lord of The G-Strings, based on nerd fest Lord of The Rings. You can even buy it on Amazon!

The thousand little deaths my heart has died.

In today’s post I thought I might share with you a lovely piece of poetry I discovered the other day, just to break up the monotony of weird incest and gang bangs that we normally tend to fuck our brains out to here at CK. Hope you enjoy…

A Certain Lady

by Dorothy Parker

Oh, I can smile for you, and tilt my head,
And drink your rushing words with eager lips,
And paint my mouth for you a fragrant red,
And trace your brows with tutored finger-tips.
When you rehearse your list of loves to me,
Oh, I can laugh and marvel, rapturous-eyed.
And you laugh back, nor can you ever see
The thousand little deaths my heart has died.
And you believe, so well I know my part,
That I am gay as morning, light as snow,
And all the straining things within my heart
You’ll never know.

Oh, I can laugh and listen, when we meet,
And you bring tales of fresh adventurings,—
Of ladies delicately indiscreet,
Of lingering hands, and gently whispered things.
And you are pleased with me, and strive anew
To sing me sagas of your late delights.
Thus do you want me——marveling, gay, and true,
Nor do you see my staring eyes of nights.
And when, in search of novelty, you stray,
Oh, I can kiss you blithely as you go ….
And what goes on, my love, while you’re away,
You’ll never know.

After the curtain.

In a bit of a follow up to a previous post featuring the lovely Christina Jolie, we get to see something quite interesting: the after of a porn shoot.

Granted, this Christina Jolie clip, entitled “Big busted brunette gets banged 6/6,” isn’t exactly an in depth look into what happens to these performers after the curtain drops so to speak, but it’s something, and it interests me quite a bit. One nice thing about a porn film, I imagine, is that it’s all chronological. And because of what it takes to film it, it doesn’t take long to film, not really. Couple of hours in an afternoon in some warehouse somewhere or at some creepy guy’s McMansion in the suburbs and then you’re done, cash in one hand, moist towelette in the other, and you’re on your way to the next nude afternoon in front of the cameras.

But still, it fascinates me because in much different ways, you’re still acting on screen. You’re doing something strenuous and taking yourself to another place, not just physically, but emotionally. And when people stop pointing their cameras and their erections at you, you have to become yourself again. And that’s something that fascinates me and I’d love to see more of it.

Lucky thirteen.

As I sit here writing this to you, it’s that weird late night period, no longer Friday but not quite Saturday yet. It’s especially weird since I’m leaving behind Friday the 13th and soon we’ll be embracing Valentine’s Day. Or… “Single Awareness Day.”

I’d like to point out the pictures you’re seeing so far in this post are from me doing an image search based on the words “sexy Friday the 13th.” Kind of terrifying what you find, right?

So, let’s do something slightly different, like… two random clips:

I give you “Friday’s air powered sex machine fuck” because… well, why not? If you’re at all like me (and let’s hope you’re not cause it sure as shit ain’t pretty at times), you’re thinking that it’s a late Friday night, early Saturday morning, so of course why wouldn’t you be watching a video of a woman getting fucked by a machine?

And in “Topless young lady” you get to watch a topless young lady sit in her kitchen and eat what I think is jello. I shit you not.

I want to take a quick moment to thank Porn Perspectives for giving us a shout out. And I want to especially throw a shout out back their way because we dig what they do as well.

Anyways, I think that Luna will be here with you tomorrow to ask you to be her Valentine so you should probably consider yourself pretty goddamn lucky, huh?

How does your garden grow?

Sometimes, and just sometimes, it’s nice to get back into nature.

You can go for a nice walk, maybe pick some apples. How biblical, right?

Maybe get some sun on your body and enjoy a little nude gardening.

Or invite some friends over for a lovely little garden party.

Or you could always just fuck the gardener. I’m sure that works too. And I doubt they mind.

Or anyone else you feel like sharing your secret garden with.

Lay your hands on me.

Warning: Today’s post comes with a happy ending!

Ha ha!

I wanted to talk about the laying of hands today, something that’s usually seen in ridiculous religious ceremonies or in possibly even more ridiculous spiritual practices like reiki, but a lot of my search results, no joke, kept going back to just massages. I guess that’s just how the internet works? I say: “The Divine Touch” or the laying of hands? The internet responds with: Dirty sexy masseuse and happy endings. Well, fine. I’m just not gonna argue with you, world wide web. I’m just going to enjoy the erotic thaumaturgy.

So today, we’re going to share a few massage clips. And I can already tell you that there could be a sequel or two to this post because when you to just about any site and do a search for “massage” or any variation, you get inundated with only about a thousand or so hits. There’s a lot of rubdown smut out there.

Our first clip is entitled “Stephanie 18 POV” and is hot. It consists entirely of the lovely young Stephanie (see above) showing up to get a massage, enjoying some sensual touching, and then doing a little sensual touching of her own on the guy giving her the massage. Stephanie has a beautiful runner’s body and the clip is incredibly fun and sexy. Not lost in this clip though is a sense of sensuality and what I interpret to be Stephanie’s arousal at her masseuse’s arousal inspired by her. We really see in a very brief form how erotic the laying of hands upon one’s body can be, the initial not sexual touching, and the pleasure that springs from it that can ignite your loins.

Our next clip is called “A massage that turns into a blowjob and fuck.” Porn likes to tell you exactly what you’re getting and I like that. This clip consists of a guy showing up to a somewhat less than professional massage parlor, undressing and getting on the table, enjoying about 30 seconds of a massage, and then being happily taken advantage of by his masseuse who seems to take a great deal of pride in her work. To me, this clip isn’t very exciting and is really just more… rote. But the conversation between Wally, the guy getting the massage, and the masseuse, Betty, is just kind of hilariously sad. Especially when Wally tells Betty (see above) that he makes a living through recycling and panhandling. That and “I’ve heard good things about this place,” Wally tells Betty. “All my friends told me I should come by.” Uh huh.

Our next two clips are “Black masseuse hot sex with customer” and “Different masseuse gives the same ‘service,’” both of which take place in the same room as the previous clip, one with the same girl (see above), only with different hair, and the other with a different girl (see below). The first of those clips is fairly hot, partly because of the flexibility of the masseuse and partly because of the theatrical enthusiasm and excitement she seems to get at watching these schlubby losers get naked for her. The second clip’s a little less interesting because the girl is a little less exciting, but it is fascinating because the guy (who may be the same in both of these clips, actually) is such a dirty scum bag. He’s freaked out when he first shows up, scared because he’s got a different girl this time and paranoid she won’t give him the “full service.” And then he wonders if he can get a group discount for the guys from his Bible study group…

And our last clip for the night is actually a bit of a special treat: part one (of two) of Taboo 2 , a nice vintage 70s porno about, well, a lot of incest, but also other things that were considered “taboo” back in the 1970s. It’s fun and hot and other than that, I won’t say much more because I’m sure Luna could cover it in a much better way than me. I’ll just say that I love how it starts and there’s a lesbian massage scene about five minutes in. Enjoy!

“You fucked your son Paul!?”

TGIF?

Don’t forget…

And don’t worry, we haven’t disappeared. We’ll be back soon, and yes, we missed you too.

Her hot spot love for me is strong, this freeze frame moment can’t be wrong…

Jesus, look at us, completely bankrupt for ideas…

But seriously, how can you not think of yesterday’s song and not soon after (at least within a 24 hour period, I’d say) think of this song. Lesser in quality than yesterday’s pick, yes, but still a decent song off of a fun album.

And besides, we deal with porn here. Porn. Freeze Frame. Porn. Freeze Frame! I think the connections scream louder than I can probably put into words.

I’m just amazed at how ridiculous the video is. My God, the 80s were a simple time for music videos, weren’t they? I mean, it’s nowhere near the douchey level of a Journey video, so I don’t know why I’m even complaining. The thing that does still amaze me about this band is that Peter Wolf, the singer (J. Geils is just the guitarist), was married to Faye Dunaway for a while… Fascinating. He also studied painting with Norman Rockwell as a child, which is also fascinating, but for much different reasons.

Faye Dunaway, by the way, would be high up there if you were to ask me to hand you a list of all time sex goddesses. She is first icy cool blonde who showed that it’s okay to be not only smart but also a little dangerous. And Network is one of my favorite movies of all time. As is Chinatown. And Three Days Of The Condor and Supergirl (yes, I do like that movie, shut up), and The Eyes Of Laura Mars. And you can’t forget the chess scene from the original Thomas Crown Affair, another favorite of mine, as is… well, I could go on forever and I may just have to go watch some of them now, possibly utilizing that frame by frame button on the remote as well…