Hocus Pocus.

So, I’m going to reach into my top hat here and pull out this rabbit out for you…

That’s the video for the new Ciara single, “Love Sex Magic,” which is three of my favorite things. It features Justin Timberlake because, whether we like it or not, that guy is out there. Just like AIDS, man.

For like the first time in a year or so, I turned on VH1 the other morning, and… Wow, what a graveyard. Is this where mediocre music goes to die? Mainstream? The only diamond in the rough was this video, which I instantly thought was ridiculously sexy. The song isn’t great, but it’s good, I like it, and it works. As the Boston Herald put it: “Not quite magic, but it grows on you.”

That it does.

And granted, I know I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in a room full of deaf or uninterested people here, but Justin Timberlake, WTF? Is his presence necessary here? Especially considering this is a Ciara video and for the most part, she’s forced to just basically be the pretty girl with the lovely voice who gets the sing the hook on her own track.

Also, the other thing that gets me, is that Timberlake looks so incredibly disinterested in this video. This beautiful woman, a talented singer and dancer, is grinding all over him and except for a few moments here and there, he looks like he’s waiting to clock out and pick up his check from the record label. Was Jessica Biel standing just off set, watching with a mean scowl on her face? It’s horrible because it kind of undersells the video and makes Ciara look like she’s trying to hard to win over, what? This guy? Please.

I shit you not, the Wikipedia caption for the above photo is: Ciara as a sexy tigress in a cage in the music video.

But I guess this also fits into the bit more than slightly misogynistic trend in music videos where the loser guy just kind of sits there while the hot girls do all the hard work and sweating. And Ciara is certainly doing that here. And then some.

And Timberlake just looks like he’s thinking about playing with his magic wand.

Armed and dangerous.

Luna de Miel: Worst name for a porn site ever? YouJIZZ.

Sin Titulo: Ugh. Yeah. That is bad.

Luna: And like, you could make it work by having the whole site be just jizz videos but … no.

Sin: Yeah, a site of nothing but cumshots would make more sense. I mean, I’d avoid it, but it’d make sense. YouJizz. That… I do not like that.

Luna: It’s kind of aggressive, no? I don’t have to jizz if I don’t want to, youJIZZ.

Sin: I picture a thick menacingly accent person pointing a gun at my head saying, “You. Jizz! Or we kill the girl!” And he’ll do it too.

Luna: Yes, he will. Also… the reason I’m even aware of the existence of youJIZZ is I was reading a sex blog that was recommended to me by Google Reader. They also linked to this website, which is a swingers site and has the world’s least attractive people on the front page right now.

Sin: Lifestyle Lounge. Heh. What a funny title.

Luna: The people on the front page are so….greasy. They’re the kind of people who would invite you over for dinner to seduce you and you’d come over, all hungry and be all “sooo when’s dinner?” and they’d be like “later, relax!” and put on something like Usher. Then they’d drop wine on you so you’d have to take your shirt off. And then you’d realize what’s happening. And you can’t leave.

Sin: Let’s leave my dating history out of this, shall we?

Luna: Oh. Sorry. I forgot. Hit too close to home there, huh?

Sin: Ehhhh. That’s how all my dates start. Then they end with some stereotypically foreign movie villain saying to me, “You! Jizz! Or we kill the girl and the small furry animal.”

Luna: Then you’ve found yourself in a real pickle then, huh? Would that work with girls too?

Sin: Oh, yeah, of course. It’ll just be a lot more attractive when they do it.

Luna: Maybe this is the plot for the porno that’s been living inside my head for a while?

Sin: Being told to orgasm at gunpoint, either with the gun to your head or with the assailants holding a loved one hostage?

Luna: The gun is kind of hot. but, yeah.

Sin: Is there a happy ending to that story?

Just so there’s no confusion: We love Lena Chen.

Luna: The cops show up. Gangbang time. This is going to be a really dirty porno.

Sin: Does the hostage stay tied up in the corner the whole time?

Luna: Well if we’re going to get really filthy.. the hostage stays tied up and gets involved.

Sin: Does it end with you and your porno troupe turning to the camera and obliterating the fourth wall by telling the audience, “And now… you jizz!” Or do you just jizz on us, like one of those 3D rides at Disneyland back in the day?

Luna: OMG, the second one would be amazing. With a really cheesy effect, too.

Sin: Gallagher-style. Watch out, people in the first three rows!

Luna: This will be the kind of porno you watch ironically.

Sin: Ironic masturbation!

Luna: Yes.

Sin: I feel like if our blog hadn’t been called Carnal Knoweldge, it would’ve been called Ironic Masturbation.

Luna: No, no masturbation. Just… watch it at parties and think… “WTF?” And, you know, there’s room for a sub-title yet.

Sin: Carnal Knowledge, home of the Ironic Masturbation… right into your eye!

Luna: Watch out!

This is for lovers, running away just for today…

from here.

I really like my co-blogger’s previous post, not just for the clips in it, but the personal sentiment behind it. I like that it’s optimistic, or that it seems optimistic to me. She’s busy and single now, would like to have someone in her life, but doesn’t. But she’s happy by herself, I feel, and knows that she won’t always be alone. She knows that continuing to be her awesome self that she is she will someday achieve the amazing success she desires. And then get that young male sex slave/house servant that she so desires.

from here.

But in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I throw this song out to you, one of my favorites. This is “For Lovers” by Wolfman featuring Pete Doherty.

Find that someone special and run away with them, even if is just for today. That includes you, Luna, and your sex slave/house servant.

The family that lays together stays together.

Just go ahead and try to tell me that the above video isn’t hot. Cause it is and you know it. I love showing it to people and hearing them say, “Damn, that is really hot, really sexy.” And I say, “I know, it is, isn’t it? Also, those two are brother and sister.”

I think it’s safe to say that once human beings were able to perfect capturing the images of life as a means of recording our experiences as animals on this planet, be it in words, oral tradition, or drawings on the walls of caves, then a form of intertexuality was born. True or not, someone was given the ability to walk in and point at a story you liked or enjoyed and say, “Oh, by the way, that’s incest.”

The same could be said for porn, without a doubt. Once we were able to capture the recreation of the telling of ourselves as sexual beasts, we were able to capture every part of it, real or imagined, including when two people who share a little genetic code start bumping uglies. It happens consensually (and sadly, sometimes not) in real life, maybe not a lot, but more than you’d think, I’m told, and in the idea of fiction, it could probably be used as the ultimate metaphor for closeness.

If I was a much more pervy and skeezy man, I’d say that incest porn is the ultimate depiction of the post-post-post-nuclear family. But I’m not quite there, not yet.

Sadly, I can’t totally tell what’s going on in “Family Fucking 4some,” besides alliteration gone wild, but also because of the language barrier. In this clip, which I believe is Russian, you’re looking at a family (but who really knows) having some shots together, then watching a little porn, and then having an orgy. I think there’s an important lesson here for one and all: You don’t have to be pretty to do the incest thing.

There’s no sound in “Classic Lesbian Sisters have Sex,” but really, there doesn’t need to be. All you need are the words “classic” and “lesbians” in a sentence and life is better, right? Throw in “sisters,” and maybe, just maybe, it’s better than you deserve.

There’s no dialogue in “First Mother And Daughter’s Emotion Part 2” to signify a familial relation, but again, it doesn’t need it. What have you hear is just a lovely clip of an older woman and a young woman enjoying a nice passionate moment together on a love seat. Plus, it goes to show you that you can probably take just about any clip and label it “incest” if you want and you’ll most likely get a few thousand extra hits.

What starts off as an early morning trailer park cuddle up for warmth in “Daddy Fucking Teen In Caravan” turns into what is actually a kind of hot video with a nice little soundtrack. I would love to have this playing the next time I’m involved in some jumping of the bones. This or “Caravan Girl” by Goldfrapp:

I think either would work very, very nicely.

In “Bad Brother Wants Cousin To Do His Fucking Thing,” you start to see the sliding scale of these videos, which I’ll go into more as we continue. Also, I hate the guy in this video. The girl is on the cute side and says repeatedly, “My legs are getting tired,” and he makes her keep going and seems slightly more concerned that the camera (see above) is catching all this (supposed) incestuous hotness. Also, is it me or is the cousins fantasy just a watered down version of the brother/sister fantasy?

And then we get to “Hot Incest,” which to me, is anything but. There’s something kind of sadly abusive about it, but I think there may be a larger point to be made there, of course.

I’d really love to talk to someone who is currently in or was in a mature (of legal age, please) consensual incestuous relationship at some point. These people fascinate me to an extent, but I’ve been left with the impression that these couplings always end badly or leave those involved incredibly depressed. Case in point: “Mom Daughter and Son sweat together.” What an interesting title for such a depressing clip, possibly one of the saddest and most pathetic I’ve ever seen in my life. I really think that the line “My name is Michael” in this, what is destined to be a classic in the erotic cinema of feeling bad, is to become the new “My name is Ishmael.” It’s just so weird and depressing to watch, and yet, I think that it supplies the meta thesis to all of this: It’s a hot fantasy in your head, but beyond that, it’s just so… so… bad.

Some fantasies, some naughty trains of thought are exciting to us because they’re just wrong. Some things we like just because we know, or at least are told, that it’s wrong. We adore the taboo.

But some things are perhaps just better left in the realm of the imagination and own dirty heads.

I’m old enough to face the dawn.

Today we proudly present to you…

…the ultimate ode to the morning after, “Angel Of The Morning” by Juice Newton. Of course, the only thing better than the morning afterglow, is to chase the dawn with a little morning glory, right?

Come, come, come into my world!

Okay, so we’ve talked about the Goddesses of Euro-pop before, but for tonight’s very short post, let’s talk about the fairest of them all, the Queen herself:

Kylie Minogue.

Luna and I want to apologize for these little breaks we keep seem to be taking, but we’re working out the kinks, I guess you could say. Porn is, after all, a full time job. But for tonight, I leave you with a sexy song and a sexy video, Kylie Minogue’s “Come Into My World” right here:

Whereas artists like Madonna get less and less interesting as they progress, it’s nice to see that Kylie just keeps going strong. Like a locomotion. I was re-reading one of my favorite books, Paul Morley’s Words And Music, of which the lovely Australian singer is a huge part of, and was reminded of the song above, which is one of my favorites of hers. And since then, I just haven’t been able to get it out of my head…

Ha ha. Enjoy it. We’ll see you soon.

My blood runs cold, my memory has just been sold!

Greatest song ever? Perhaps.

“You’re my number 1, I’m like a dog to get you.”

“You’re my favorite moment, you’re my Saturday.”

Inspired by Kasia’s fine musical taste in yesterday’s post, today I want to share with you just a little bit of the sexy sounds and lusty beauty of one Alison Goldfrapp (and friend):

Miss Goldfrapp, who in conjunction with a man named Will Gregory, make up the ambient/electropop/folktronica (I swear I made that up in a bar conversation 10 years ago to impress a girl)/electroclash/synthpop/triphip (obviously you can blame Wikipedia for all of this) group that’s simply and brilliantly titled Goldfrapp. Nice, huh? This is the song playing at the very end of Kasia’s video:

“It’s called “Number 1,” and you’ve probably heard it before. Probably in a Gap, or in a Starbucks, who knows. You’ve probably heard of Goldfrapp before too, unless you’re against most forms of sexy music. I mean, you’ve definitely heard of them if you ever saw Hard Candy, in which they were an actual plot point of the movie.

True fans of the above genres will tell you that there’s much, much better artists than Goldfrapp in the business, and they’re right, but my God, isn’t a Goldfrapp a lovely package? Lush, beautiful songs with a dynamic, sexy voice and a singer that looks like a living incarnation of erotic 1970s dreams exploding out of your head. Or is that just my head? Or is that Goldfrapp’s “Lovely Head,” I wonder?

That’s “Ride A White Horse,” which you can take a metaphor for cocaine, certainly, or you can just take it as a funky, sexy song with an incredibly hot video. I choose to do both, thank you very much.

Regardless of the criticism of Goldfrapp, and there’s been a lot, say whatever you will about their music (and you’ll notice I’m less into justifying this group to you right now, or delving into their substance, when I can deliver unto you their very special spectacle), but they do what they do…

…quite nicely. Sin Titulo is a fan. Here’s the first song I ever heard by them a great many years ago, entitled “Pilots (On A Star),” a lovely candidate for a Bond song sound if I ever heard one, and here’s an incredibly beautiful song called “A&E.” And this…

…is “Strict Machine,” a song called “a future S&M club anthem if ever there was one,” according to PopMatters, and which to me, sounds like red hot sex filtered through a machine in a club to a brilliantly arousing array of lights with sultry synth just pulsating all over the place.

That’s “Ooh La La,” and as I watch these videos, I’m reminded of not only how sexy the music/general aesthetic of the group is, but how much fun too. This is how I wish my dreams were, just more drippingly hot. I think I’ll leave that as my final statement on Goldfrapp.

It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.

Well, hello there!

For starters, Luna and I want to apologize for not being around as much. No, we’re not seeing other people and no, we haven’t forgotten about you. Far from it. We’ve actually just been off watching a lot of smut and looking and dirty pretty pictures and thinking of new ways to get you off. We are, after all, players in the game of mutually assured seduction.

So, as a small token of our thanks for you keeping up with us and not having given up on us (because we sure as shit haven’t given up on you) and to hold you over until we return, we present to you one of the sexiest music videos ever:

“Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak.

Of course you know this song. This song, these images, are burned into your brain, and probably were before you were even born. This video, directed by fashion photographer Herb Ritts (We’re going to ignore the other version of the video, the more Lynch-ian one)(this song was, after all, included in Lynch’s Wild At Heart), and featuring Isaak himself and the lustily cavorting Helena Christensen on a beach (and you know we know about the beaches) somewhere, half naked and covered in sand. Hi there, Helena.

The song was later covered by the wonderful Giant Drag and by Finnish band HIM. I’ve honestly ignore the Him cover because I could give a shit about Him, but since I’ve got a huge crush on Giant Drag’s Annie Hardy (just like you and everyone else ever, right?), I have no problem telling you that her cover is excellent, capturing perfectly the longing, desperate vibe of Isaak’s original song and adding in a nice extra layer of down in the dirt-ness to go with it.

Before this song, I always thought that Chris Isaak was a bit of a douche, to be honest. Hell, I still do. But I have liked some of his songs, like “Somebody’s Crying” and, of course, “Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing,” which gained a good deal of popularity from it’s use in the trailer to Kubrick’s last film, Eyes Wide Shut.

Anyways, enjoy the video. Relax, get yourself comfortable, and slide into something a little more comfortable and we’ll be there soon, because… well, the world was on fire and no one could save us but you!

Stocking stuffers.

Santa, baby, slip a sable under the tree…

Well, we’re getting closer and closer to Christmas and you’ll notice that any store you go to now is already trying to push you their Christmas shit. This includes the world of porn.

“Female Santa Claus Assfucked.” See what I mean? It’s happening already. I want to make a joke about something popping down her chimney, but it’s just not coming to me. The clip itself is decent, a fairly nice looking blonde girl dressed in sexy Santa garb playing with herself before the guy joins in with her and eventually has anal sex with her. The girl feels somewhat so so about that, but what’s interesting to me about this clip is that there may be a problem with the sound looping with the girl doing the action or there may just be another girl somewhere in the room who seems to be having a lot more fun with herself as she watches the proceedings. Lot more fun than I was having anyways, though I did appreciate the themed play.

And then there’s “Hot and Naughty Santa Claus Girl Suck Hard This Cock!” Who doesn’t have to get to scream out that sentence someday? In this video we have another fairly cute blonde girl wearing a Santa hat giving a guy a very enthusiastic blowjob in front of a Christmas tree. And maybe there’s even chestnuts roasting over an open fire somewhere in the background? Maybe. I desperately want to make a nutcracker joke here, but it’s too strained. At the end of the clip, the guy cums into the girl’s mouth, which is nice because you do so rarely actually see that in porn (it’s reserved more for sex tapes with couples who actually like and maybe – gasp! – even love each other, or at least think they do), but then the girl spits his cum out onto her tits and plays around with it a little bit. That’s a bit cliched, but hey, I’m not asking them to reinvent the wheel here. It is nice that at the end of the clip, the words Merry XXX-mas do come on the screen. Thanks, porn! You too!

Well, since this post will have to be a stocking stuffer, something to hold you over until we get closer to Christmas (and all other end of the year holidays), I’ll present you with a few other clips I discovered in my “research” when I found these two…

The first is what appears to be a nice little sex tape, simply and wonderfully just called “In Heat.” It’s just a guy and a girl on a bed together with a stationary placed camera angle, and some fucking. Compared to some of the videos I’ve had to review in the recent weeks, this is hot.

Speaking of hot, I also came across a lovely clip called “Nikki Dial Outdoor Fuck,” which is like Christmas all on it’s own because it has Nikki Dial in it. Nikki Dial is a porn actress from the 90s (Wikipedia mentions that she was able to retire after two years) and she is, quite frankly, gorgeous. Why I never thought about doing a post about her before, I honestly don’t know, but I can tell you that right now I’m thinking about little else. I know what I want for Christmas… This video itself seems to start off semi-sweetly as young Nikki, dressed as what looks like a farmer’s daughter kisses her douche-y looking cowboy guy and then they have some nice sex on a blanket awash in the fading golden glow of the sunset. And set to what could easily have been the score from an old Disney movie. This is a thing of pure beauty, much like Nikki Dial herself.

I’m not at all crazy about the title of our last clip here, “Hot bitch fucks in bathroom,” but it’s fairly accurate. It’s short and sweet, a girl up on the sink, pressed up against the mirror in the bathroom while I guy fucks her from behind. He’s fully naked while she’s still fully clothed (which is refreshing) and… well, something about this entire clip, while far too short, is just hot.

Well, that should hold you people over for a little bit, but remember…

Be warned: THERE ONLY 29 DAYS LEFT TIL CHRISTMAS!