Angel of the morning.

One of the many things I like about the sunrise is that it usually looks just like a sunset. It’s perspective really just relies on your level of fatigue and how excited you are for whichever is about to begin, your day or your night…

But for me here, it’s morning. I got up too early and now I’m up, bathed in the sunlight. And I think we both know what that means: porn.

The first clip I want to share with you is merely called “Good Morning,” and for the guy in it, it is a good morning. He wakes up in bed, video camera still on apparently, and his beautiful girlfriend makes up for falling asleep early on him last night after a few drinks by giving him a lovely blowjob while he makes some of the most hideous early morning moans that you can hear. Other than that, this is a very nice clip.

Then we have “Good morning baby,” a clip that I really like despite how ridiculous it feels. The gist: A girl wakes up, then wakes up her boyfriend because she’s still horny. He asks what time it is and she says that it’s 6 in the morning. He complains that they were up all night fucking and now he’s too tired. She persists and he relents because… well, why the fuck would you say no? But he needs to go work out first, he says, so she takes care of herself – having a “delicious orgasm” she tells us in a voiceover – while he’s gone. He comes back, freaks out because she did so, to which she lets him on a fact: “Girls can have orgasms without guys.” And then they have sex. It’s just cute enough, but my lingering question for you, CK reader is: Voiceover or not voiceover in your porn clips? Does it take you out of what could very loosely be called “the story” too much, or the action, or is it fine?

Our last clip is not necessarily morning specific, but watching it just now, it just feels right in that morning light to me. It is a perfect example of that morning glory. In fact, “Nessa Overhears Sister Fucking In The Next Room” is probably one of my favorite clips that I’ve seen in a while. The title says it all and beyond that, I’m not going to ruin this clip by talking about it. Watch it, enjoy it, and either start your day or… let’s go back to sleep.

Long Island Lolita

If you were in New York City in the mid 90s (and I certainly was), you’re never going to forget Amy Fisher, or the Long Island Lolita, as she was called. The press was all over it: pretty young girl, sleazy old guy, and middle aged wife with a paralyzed face in the middle of it all. It didn’t hurt that every one involved was so quintensially New York: thick accents, long nails and sweat suits for everyone.

amy as she was then.

After serving 7 years in jail for attempted murder, Amy has been trying to keep her name in the spotlight the only way she knows how: by having more sex with older guys, this time her husband, Lou Berella. Earlier last year she sold a sex tape, which is naturally available on the tubes.

The tape itself is really boring. Their sex is rote and methodical and it’s clear that the camera work is that of someone with no training (so no interesting angles). They had the smarts not to include music, but instead we are treated to Amy’s moaning and Lou’s non stop chatter. They obviously made the sex tape so they could sell it.

A celebrity sex tape that is far sexier is (very surprisingly) Kim Kardashian and Ray J. While the dubbing on this link is really bad (the audio clearly does not match the visual), the sex just looks hotter.

A lot of the links to the Kardashian sex tape are now gone thanks to her trusty lawyers, but if you can find it, their tape is much more clearly the self documentation of two people clearly into each other. Their whole tape is not just them fucking, but them joking around in the hotel room, on a yacht and on the beach (ah, to be rich, famous and with a hand held camera).

Unfortunately for us (and what inspired this post in the first place) is Amy is going to make porn her full time job. She tells Fleshbot that not only does she have a pay per view special coming up, she’s starting up her own site and dancing at a strip club on the side.

Lay your hands on me.

Warning: Today’s post comes with a happy ending!

Ha ha!

I wanted to talk about the laying of hands today, something that’s usually seen in ridiculous religious ceremonies or in possibly even more ridiculous spiritual practices like reiki, but a lot of my search results, no joke, kept going back to just massages. I guess that’s just how the internet works? I say: “The Divine Touch” or the laying of hands? The internet responds with: Dirty sexy masseuse and happy endings. Well, fine. I’m just not gonna argue with you, world wide web. I’m just going to enjoy the erotic thaumaturgy.

So today, we’re going to share a few massage clips. And I can already tell you that there could be a sequel or two to this post because when you to just about any site and do a search for “massage” or any variation, you get inundated with only about a thousand or so hits. There’s a lot of rubdown smut out there.

Our first clip is entitled “Stephanie 18 POV” and is hot. It consists entirely of the lovely young Stephanie (see above) showing up to get a massage, enjoying some sensual touching, and then doing a little sensual touching of her own on the guy giving her the massage. Stephanie has a beautiful runner’s body and the clip is incredibly fun and sexy. Not lost in this clip though is a sense of sensuality and what I interpret to be Stephanie’s arousal at her masseuse’s arousal inspired by her. We really see in a very brief form how erotic the laying of hands upon one’s body can be, the initial not sexual touching, and the pleasure that springs from it that can ignite your loins.

Our next clip is called “A massage that turns into a blowjob and fuck.” Porn likes to tell you exactly what you’re getting and I like that. This clip consists of a guy showing up to a somewhat less than professional massage parlor, undressing and getting on the table, enjoying about 30 seconds of a massage, and then being happily taken advantage of by his masseuse who seems to take a great deal of pride in her work. To me, this clip isn’t very exciting and is really just more… rote. But the conversation between Wally, the guy getting the massage, and the masseuse, Betty, is just kind of hilariously sad. Especially when Wally tells Betty (see above) that he makes a living through recycling and panhandling. That and “I’ve heard good things about this place,” Wally tells Betty. “All my friends told me I should come by.” Uh huh.

Our next two clips are “Black masseuse hot sex with customer” and “Different masseuse gives the same ‘service,’” both of which take place in the same room as the previous clip, one with the same girl (see above), only with different hair, and the other with a different girl (see below). The first of those clips is fairly hot, partly because of the flexibility of the masseuse and partly because of the theatrical enthusiasm and excitement she seems to get at watching these schlubby losers get naked for her. The second clip’s a little less interesting because the girl is a little less exciting, but it is fascinating because the guy (who may be the same in both of these clips, actually) is such a dirty scum bag. He’s freaked out when he first shows up, scared because he’s got a different girl this time and paranoid she won’t give him the “full service.” And then he wonders if he can get a group discount for the guys from his Bible study group…

And our last clip for the night is actually a bit of a special treat: part one (of two) of Taboo 2 , a nice vintage 70s porno about, well, a lot of incest, but also other things that were considered “taboo” back in the 1970s. It’s fun and hot and other than that, I won’t say much more because I’m sure Luna could cover it in a much better way than me. I’ll just say that I love how it starts and there’s a lesbian massage scene about five minutes in. Enjoy!

“You fucked your son Paul!?”

She’s tired of using technology.

For tonight’s entry into the hot, lusty world of Carnal Knowledge, I want to share with you one of my favorite videos, and in doing so, I want to stress the point to you that sometimes the simplest answer is usually the most accurate answer. Occam’s razor totally works in the world of porn, ladies and gents. And to prove that for you, I introduce you to the lovely Kasia:

Hi, Kasia. You totally notice the striped socks, right? Good, I’m glad. If you notice that, then you definitely notice the flexible dildo mounted on the shelf right behind the lovely Kasia too, don’t you? Yeah, you do. Let me just tell you right now that this clip, this clip that I love so much, simply entitled “Kasia Blue Dildo,” is just Kasia and that dildo. Here’s the clip again, and again, and again. Must be popular, right?

That’s a picture of Kasia seemingly chilling at home in her casual wear that I found on a fairly skeezy looking website (Face Down Ass Up university? I guess I’m thankfully that it wasn’t Face Down Ass Up high school or Face Down Ass Up community college). If that’s a set or what, I don’t know, but I love that they really put some work to make it look a real place someone would live in with the pictures, the CDs, the books, and what appears to be a bunk bed with a mounted dildo attached. I should point out that I also kind of love the music playing in that clip (there’s a little Goldfrapp happening at the end, did you notice?), because all sex should have a lovely soundtrack, right? Side note: I have to admit that I find PornoHub’s new slogan to be slightly distracting:

If you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go hunt down a ruler…

Here’s Kasia doing what she does on the Howard Stern show (sigh), and a nice clip of her masturbating outside in a catholic school girl outfit. Not a bad clip at all, even though I do prefer the featured one just a little better, but they also highlight what I like the most about Kasia: Beyond her cuteness, beyond her very flexible body, she seems to be having a fantastic time. Not just a fantastic time, but a laughing, giddy and giggling, crazy amount of fun good time, and that’s refreshing as hell. I’ve watched clips where you just knew that the girl was not having a good time at all, but you don’t get that sense with Kasia. Maybe it would be ruined if she was joined by a guy or a girl (though she does have a guy fuck her with a dildo in this clip), who knows. Maybe by just enjoying herself, she’s doing it Woody Allen-style (no, not that Woody Allen style): “Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with the one I love.”

In which some guys are the biggest douchebags in the world!

This will be a short post today because the clip I’m about to share with you is completely unsexy to me. Mostly because the girl does seem really out of it and because the guy seems like THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG I’VE EVER SEEN UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD OF INTERNET PORN. This is “Anal when she’s drunk.” Sex tape-wise, I feel bad for the girl here. I feel like she was probably pretty embarrassed when she woke up the next morning and said, “I DID WHAT LAST NIGHT!?”

Fly My Friendly Skies

I was on a flight recently (the culmination of why my fabulous co-blogger has been picking up the slack for me recently, sometimes you are indeed too busy for any sexytime) and now that the hot mess that was my life the last two weeks has cleared up, I can get back to what horny girls do best and talk dirty to you.

I don’t find airplanes sexy. I have flown upwards of 50 times in my life (and boy are my arms tired!) and flying has become an experience I treat like a commute: necessary, tedious, and most of all, mundane. I can sleep through take off, I respond to turbulence by turning up my iPod headphones and having another sip of my 5 dollar cocktail. But, while I find long drives unbelieavably sexy, air travel to me, is the opposite: the recycled air, uncomfortable seats, and feeling trapped kills it for me. In a car, you feel liberated and free; you’re going somewhere, I want to take you with me and see where we can go together. On a plane, I just want to feel as little of it as humanly possible. Xanax and vodka me, please. I’m sleeping this one out.

But no matter, it’s not about me. Lots of people find flying sexy, apparently. Flying certainly used to be sexier. Flying used to basically be an orgy:

Now, flight attendants wear shorts of unflattering pants or even worse, skirts and pantyhose combinations with sensible shoes. There’s none of the whimsy and none of the fun exhibited in those photos above. Flying isn’t about luxury, it’s about business and the uniforms have changed to reflect that. About the only airlines that continue the hot flight attendant theme are European airlines, in particular KLM. While in Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport, I was lucky enough to witness about 100 of the lovely KLM flight attendants all in the same room.

Speaking of KLM, someone got access to their sleep areas when they take those long 12 hour flights. And it only makes me think of one thing:

The infamous Mile High Club. Sex on a plane. Our first clip, starring the once great Jenna Jameson are two ladies getting it in an airline bathroom, or rather, a replica of an airline bathroom. I doubt most airline bathrooms can contain that much hair, boob, and a camera crew all at once. It’s a realistic mockup, however, and Jenna is as usual, a delight to watch. For more of the produced porn tip, there are some more hot porn babes at CockPit Sluts. Generic faux lesbian, tan, acrylic nails, fake tits, bad dialogue porn. Where is my real stuff? Seats have gotten smaller in coach so when you sit next to a hot person you are practically on their lap. Someone out there must be filming handjobs on their digital camera.

As usual, we don’t really know if it’s “real or not”. This clip, titled Service In The Plane II, is a Japanese clip of a fully clothed flight attendant giving a handjob to a flyer. The plane is full of passengers and no one reacts. It’s an utterly bizarre clip, almost hot in its bizarreness, especially as the flight attendant looks around to see if anyone can see her jerking this guy off in public, which adds to the sexy thrill of public sex. Another clip, Teen Fuck In Plane, seems more authentic, with a couple going to the bathroom for a quick one. We even get a shot of the full cabin before the sex starts. However, it’s brief and there’s some painful anal involved, which I just can’t get behind (no pun intended!). The most authentic clip I found was the aptly titled Rubbing Pussy on A Plane. It means what it says, people.

In honor of sexy flight attendant uniforms, here’s a clip of a Russian girl getting fucked on a plane in a cute little pink number, complete with gloves and a hat! From the completely unrealistic, and “this will never happen to you, boys” department comes this clip, who’s long ass title I won’t even justify with repeating, so I’ll just tell you what happens: gross dude gets caught jerking off on the plane. The passenger seated next to him and the flight attendant decide to fuck him. Here, just watch it.

Finally, the piece de resistance. The hottest clip on my journey through free porn hubs tonight was a clip from a film that had a lot to do with the woman I am today, Emanuelle.

It’s strange to me that something as hot as Emanuelle could even be on something as pedestrian as ClipHunter, but hey, welcome to the 21st Century. In this clip, Emanuelle is masturbating, thinking about the time she joined the mile high club, which we get to watch. It’s a scene full of eroticism and heat and passion. And it makes me want to get the Emanuelle DVDs right fucking now.

Till next time, I’ll be looking for some vintage flight attendant uniforms and hoping to God I get seated next to a cute guy on my next flight:

Saturday night’s alright for fighting.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

Well, the weekend’s here and instead of being out getting a little of that Saturday night fever (or special, whatever), I’m here with you talking about porn. I hope you appreciate the things I do for you.

So, thinking about the Elton John song, I decided to try something risky. I plugged into my porn machines and I looked up videos that have “fighting” in them. Is it because, as Bush said, “there’s no sex in your violence?” Well, no. More like a disgusting cocktail of me being bored along with professional curiosity and a dash of apparently the need to punish myself a bit. My results were… interesting.

So tonight I tell you: Saturday night’s alright for fighting (although Carnal Knowledge in no way endorses, suggests, or gets off to violence in any way)(Unless it’s funny)!

First up: Merry Fighting With Her Two Boyfriends. What starts out as some apparently good natured and friendly wrestling and goofing around with a German girl who’s name would seem to be Merry and two of her male friends eventually turns into – what else? – a threesome. I have no idea what’s being said in this clip and I don’t know that I care to find out. Merry’s cute and although tattoos don’t really do it for me, she has a gorgeous body. It could get a lot worse than this.

And then, oh my God, it does: Sexy Farm Girl Fight (round 1). Seriously, there’s quite a few more rounds to this, which just appears to be an excuse to have some girls strip each other in a horse pen and then do some rudimentary wrestling moves on each other and then a little face sitting while commentators hoot and holler rodeo-style. Incredibly ridiculous. But I’d still take it over the WWE any day of the week (including Saturdays)

From there, we go to something called 4-Chick Fight! It’s really just two glistened up chicks rolling around in oil and scissoring. I know it’s every guy’s fantasy to either witness or pay host to this kind of party but take my advice, fellas: That shit is incredibly messy and kind of underwhelming in person.

From there we go to a 3 Girl Nude Pillow Fight. This could not be more accurately titled, let me tell you. Three lovely naked women have a tame little pillow fight and then form an excited make out triumvirate while grooving to some crazy European techno. I wish my Saturday Nights had a little more of this in them.

From there, my searches for “fighting” clips kind of hit a dead end (which was probably for the best). Everything else I came up with was basically some variation on “Two bitches fight for that cock.” Boring. Or “So and so fights to swallow that down.” Also boring (and a bit of over exaggeration, let me tell you). Or these bizarre Japanese clips where it’s some kind of competition split into rounds with judges and commentators and everything, only seemingly each challenger is competing to see who can molest a girl to completion the fastest. Not really boring, just more… uhhh… Yeah. Stuff like that makes me scared as hell of ever going to Japan, you know? Meanwhile clips like Street Fuck Her Not Street Fight Her! make me want to move to Japan right now. But I’ll wait to finish packing my bags until after this post is finished.

Oh, and here’s a clip of two guys performing wrestling moves on each other, nestled in with the other clips I’ve shared with you already. It’s pretty gay in the way that pretty much all wrestling is. Don’t believe me? Go open up your high school yearbook and look at pictures of the wrestling team in action.

So, having hit pretty much a dead end after those clips, I thought, “Eh, what the fuck, I’ll just look for clips that have something Saturday specific to them.” Christ, look at me. I’m stupid.

The best I can offer you from the Saturday specific clips is Saturday Night Jive, a fairly ho hum entry into the low budget/possibly amateur let’s-rent-a-hotel-room-and-make-a-sex-tape-in-it genre. The nicest thing I can say here is… Well, at least with sex tapes, everyone can feel like a star for two – maybe two and a half – minutes.

Other than that, it seems to be universally accepted that Saturday is the day for men to film themselves jacking off. I didn’t know this before, but I sure as hell got the message now, thanks. Take for example: Saturday 15 December 2007 black basque, which I include out of all the other possible entries because it’s so date specific, in case you thought might’ve thought that he just filmed it on a Wednesday and called it a Saturday.

To give you something actually hot to view, I present to you a clip called simply Courtney Simpson and Sativa Rose. It’s about two girls hanging out at work at the end of a day (a Friday, no less, because Friday is such a better day for porn that Saturday) and talking about their plans for that night: parties. They’re both hoping to get fucked later, and one of them, Courtney Simpson, brilliantly suggests, why not just start now? A wonderful idea, ladies. And so they do start right there on the couches in the lounge at work, because all of their coworkers are gone (not really), especially their asshole boss (no, not really either). As they’re beginning, the other young woman, Sativa Rose, remarks that she’s glad he (of all possible coworkers) won’t catch him because he’s a huge dick. And then a few minutes later when he catches them, they could not be more pleased to get him, an old disgusting British man, to join them. The girls are incredibly cute but I still have to call bullshit on this.

There’s a rumor that Sarah Palin will be on tonight’s Saturday Night Live to spoof her spoofer, Tina Fey (one of CK’s favorite people ever).

Is The Little Mermaid sexist? (The answer is yes.)

A Sativa Rose interview.

And just for my co-blogger, with love: Nina Hartley would prefer to be called a cougar rather than a MILF, thank you very much.

And now, for your moment of zen: ORGASM CONTEST!

Love on the rocks.

Before I even begin talking about today’s clip, I just want to throw out there that should someone want to give me some money to go off on a little Greek vacation and shoot a porno remake of Michelangelo Antonioni’s brilliant and beautiful L’Avventura, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

But until somebody does, I give you this clip, affectionately titled “Assfuck On The Cliffs.” And from that title, l can assure you that you get basically what it advertises there.

…and so much more. If you were to show this clip in black and white, and with a more attractive female lead, you could easily pass this off in style as the almost existential classic cinema of Italy or even as a possible entry into the French New Wave category. The woman in this clip reminds me of a trashier Monica Vitti, the star of L’Avventura, and you have to marvel at the way the camera melodramatically wafts over her body at the start. She gives us a breathy come hither look in the first few seconds as the golden waves move against the rocks behind her and in what almost passes as the height of cinema seduction, she reveals one of her breasts to us. She caresses it and her fingers then move over and around her clit, and then moves to her knees in front of her lover’s cock and moans an invitation that almost says, “Fuck me in front of the ocean.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Criterion Classic of Youporn clips here. Not everyone will appreciate it or enjoy it or even get it, but just having it, and just having viewed it, will make you feel instantly smarter and snootier. And maybe, just maybe, you might get off to it as well.

(You’ll notice that I especially tie it more to L’Avventura, which is a favorite of mine, and not as much to something like From Here To Eternity. This clip is no From Here To Eternity.)

Extra special points to this bizarre near-masterpiece for it’s near climax at the end: The lovers have actually moved ankle-deep into the water, the woman clinging to the rocks as the man pounds into her from behind, and the camera pushes in on her moaning face as she takes every thrust, propelling her closer and closer to an orgasm as powerful as the waves crashing around her.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not nearly as erotic as the video for “Wicked Game” even, but I admire the fact that for what is probably a amateur production (but quite possibly not), it’s ambitious as hell.

Also, while doing a very quick search to find more links to the same video for you lovely people (in case the above one fails at some point), I found instead a much weaker batch of clips set near the ocean (in those crashing waves), the beach, the rocks, or the cliffs. None of them contain the stabs towards high art that the main video of this post does, but such is the way of the tide…