The family that lays together stays together.

Just go ahead and try to tell me that the above video isn’t hot. Cause it is and you know it. I love showing it to people and hearing them say, “Damn, that is really hot, really sexy.” And I say, “I know, it is, isn’t it? Also, those two are brother and sister.”

I think it’s safe to say that once human beings were able to perfect capturing the images of life as a means of recording our experiences as animals on this planet, be it in words, oral tradition, or drawings on the walls of caves, then a form of intertexuality was born. True or not, someone was given the ability to walk in and point at a story you liked or enjoyed and say, “Oh, by the way, that’s incest.”

The same could be said for porn, without a doubt. Once we were able to capture the recreation of the telling of ourselves as sexual beasts, we were able to capture every part of it, real or imagined, including when two people who share a little genetic code start bumping uglies. It happens consensually (and sadly, sometimes not) in real life, maybe not a lot, but more than you’d think, I’m told, and in the idea of fiction, it could probably be used as the ultimate metaphor for closeness.

If I was a much more pervy and skeezy man, I’d say that incest porn is the ultimate depiction of the post-post-post-nuclear family. But I’m not quite there, not yet.

Sadly, I can’t totally tell what’s going on in “Family Fucking 4some,” besides alliteration gone wild, but also because of the language barrier. In this clip, which I believe is Russian, you’re looking at a family (but who really knows) having some shots together, then watching a little porn, and then having an orgy. I think there’s an important lesson here for one and all: You don’t have to be pretty to do the incest thing.

There’s no sound in “Classic Lesbian Sisters have Sex,” but really, there doesn’t need to be. All you need are the words “classic” and “lesbians” in a sentence and life is better, right? Throw in “sisters,” and maybe, just maybe, it’s better than you deserve.

There’s no dialogue in “First Mother And Daughter’s Emotion Part 2” to signify a familial relation, but again, it doesn’t need it. What have you hear is just a lovely clip of an older woman and a young woman enjoying a nice passionate moment together on a love seat. Plus, it goes to show you that you can probably take just about any clip and label it “incest” if you want and you’ll most likely get a few thousand extra hits.

What starts off as an early morning trailer park cuddle up for warmth in “Daddy Fucking Teen In Caravan” turns into what is actually a kind of hot video with a nice little soundtrack. I would love to have this playing the next time I’m involved in some jumping of the bones. This or “Caravan Girl” by Goldfrapp:

I think either would work very, very nicely.

In “Bad Brother Wants Cousin To Do His Fucking Thing,” you start to see the sliding scale of these videos, which I’ll go into more as we continue. Also, I hate the guy in this video. The girl is on the cute side and says repeatedly, “My legs are getting tired,” and he makes her keep going and seems slightly more concerned that the camera (see above) is catching all this (supposed) incestuous hotness. Also, is it me or is the cousins fantasy just a watered down version of the brother/sister fantasy?

And then we get to “Hot Incest,” which to me, is anything but. There’s something kind of sadly abusive about it, but I think there may be a larger point to be made there, of course.

I’d really love to talk to someone who is currently in or was in a mature (of legal age, please) consensual incestuous relationship at some point. These people fascinate me to an extent, but I’ve been left with the impression that these couplings always end badly or leave those involved incredibly depressed. Case in point: “Mom Daughter and Son sweat together.” What an interesting title for such a depressing clip, possibly one of the saddest and most pathetic I’ve ever seen in my life. I really think that the line “My name is Michael” in this, what is destined to be a classic in the erotic cinema of feeling bad, is to become the new “My name is Ishmael.” It’s just so weird and depressing to watch, and yet, I think that it supplies the meta thesis to all of this: It’s a hot fantasy in your head, but beyond that, it’s just so… so… bad.

Some fantasies, some naughty trains of thought are exciting to us because they’re just wrong. Some things we like just because we know, or at least are told, that it’s wrong. We adore the taboo.

But some things are perhaps just better left in the realm of the imagination and own dirty heads.